Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples navigating ADHD: One therapist’s perspective
By Lindsay Ryan, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
When I started to investigate offering couples therapy, I knew I wanted to provide therapy for relationships that are impacted by ADHD in particular because of my own experience. Within my own relationships, my ADHD traits have often either been the source of the conflict or have exasperated/heightened the conflict.
When I started to explore offering couples therapy it became important to me that the approach I use be affirming and that it would help me honour brain differences not rail against them. I was skeptical of modalities that asked partners to learn communication techniques or relied heavily on conforming to a certain version of what a relationship should look like.
The affect of ADHD on my relationships
The ways my ADHD traits have impacted my personal relationships in general have been vast. Problems with object permanence means I don’t always return texts or phone calls, which has led to the dissolution of friendships. Issues with task initiation and task completion has been an issue within all my domestic environments and relationships because of house chores being left undone or incomplete. Decision paralysis, overwhelm, and working memory issues have been the root to delays in larger projects and dropping or mis-identifying priorities. Burnout has created emotional distance due to me needing to protect my energy and not being able to make plans or attend the plans I have made. Difficulty with change has led to controlling or rigid behaviour. And emotional dysregulation and impulsivity has increased conflict.
But my ADHD has also been a source of strength in many ways. My ability to hold many ideas in my head at once has enabled me to be a good project manager for things like home renovations or hosting themed/ holiday parties. My ability to empathize and decentre my own experiences has made me a good listener and I tend to make new friends easily. I can view things from my friends’ and partner’s perspective, and this has allowed me to challenge unhelpful thoughts I may have about their behaviour and meet them and myself with more compassion. And my high masking tendencies also sometimes make it possible for me to bridge communication across neurotypes which has helped me in relationship building and maintenance.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) frames difficulties in a relationship as a ‘dance’ where the couple follows similar patterns of behaviour within their conflicts.
‘Repetitive stress’ on a relationship
Like me, every person with ADHD has traits that seem helpful and unhelpful. When ADHD traits impact a relationship, it can cause what we could term a “repetitive stress” attachment wound in the other partner. Sometimes there can be a lack of consistency on the part of the ADHD partner with things like the duties of daily living and can leave the non-ADHD partner to fill in the gaps, particularly with household labour and sometimes the emotional labour in the relationship. The person with ADHD may also experience an attachment wound because negative stories they have carried about themselves since childhood may inadvertently be reinforced by the non-ADHD partner.
As these attachment wounds arise – some of them being more acute and some quiet – it can lead to disconnection and conflict. Sometimes a parent-child dynamic is generated in these couples which disrupts the harmony of a spousal relationship and can lead to decreased sexual and romantic interactions which can then cause disconnection and other difficulties, like resentment, blame, mistrust, and hurt in both parties.
Identifying patterns that lead to disconnection
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) frames difficulties in a relationship as a ‘dance’ where the couple follows similar patterns of behaviour within their conflicts. The intention of EFT is to identify the typical patterns that occur during conflict and uncover the underlying emotional impact of those patterns which lead to disconnection. Then it aims to intercept and establish a new pattern or ‘dance’ within the relationship that reinforces the connection between partners.
In EFT, behavioral shifts tend to arise naturally from a renewed sense of connection rather than expecting a behavioral shift to re-establish connection. In this way, it seems more congruent with my experience as an ADHDer. It is always easier for me to do things when I understand why I am doing them and when I think it is important to do them.
The importance of understanding why
Most recently, my friend was teaching me how to use a cocktail shaker and pointed out that the metal part always faces the crowd rather than the glass part. This is important because if I were to lose grip it would be the silver part that would fly into the crowd and not the glass part that could shatter and harm people. The behaviour (using the shaker correctly) is something I will always remember to do because it has been linked in my mind to the why (glass may shatter) and the importance (people can be hurt).
Similarly, EFT helps identify the why and the importance of behaviours and prioritizes connection and intention. As I continue my journey as a couples’ therapist, I look for more ways to incorporate an affirming lens. This sometimes means sessions are paced differently or can include incorporating some coaching elements when needed.
If you are considering couples therapy and how it can help strengthen your connection or address past injuries or those repetitive stress injuries that can come up in a relationship, reach out for a free consultation.
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