Protecting your mental health during the holidays
Let the present be your present
By Jennifer Keith, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying), Therapist Intern
Something about the holidays can make emotions feel heavier, and to-do lists more urgent — a phenomenon that can make otherwise manageable triggers feel harder to hold. Giving ourselves permission to be especially compassionate to our needs during these times is the greatest gift we can give.
The more the merrier … doesn’t always feel that way
Last year, my youngest’s stepmother received a beautifully wrapped handmade ornament with the name “MOM” painted across the front. She was so touched to have been called Mom by my daughter that she posted several pictures of her gift and the warm feelings she had about it. I remember seeing the posts and feeling that momentary pang that comes with hearing your child refer to another person by the name you value so deeply, even when it’s said to someone you respect and in the most loving and endearing context.
While I didn’t want it to consume me, I was filled with a lot of emotions that day. There was gratitude that my daughter had strong connections in both households and that she felt so loved wherever she was, but there was also grief and feelings of loss of a title and role that once belonged only to me. There was disappointment in myself for feeling jealous and making such a special gift about me, but there was also pride in knowing I had created a safe space that allowed my children to love freely and unapologetically, without ever considering that anyone might be offended by it. I remember wondering how my kids had room for so many people in their lives and if the presence of all these loving arms made mine a little less needed or special. I went through quite the spectrum of feelings and questions that day and, while I can appreciate how valid all of them were, I am grateful to have made the choice to act with kindness and humility rather than resentment.
Later that day, I opened my own gift from my youngest daughter; a beautifully wrapped handmade ornament … with my daughter’s stepmom’s first name painted across the front.
I never told her stepmom that our gifts had been mixed up. I didn’t need to. The gifts had been given and I had received the best one of all: perspective and the grace to find it. The experience gave me an opportunity to work through feelings that might have eventually come up for myself and a lot of others balancing multi-layered families, especially around holidays. I can’t say I hung the ornament on my tree, but I did keep it, and I assume it will always get a few moments of adoration as I remember the pendulum of feelings and lessons that came with it.
Balancing the imbalance
My autobiography is going to be titled, “You Can’t Die From Awkwardness”, a statement I make confidently and with ample experience to support. Every year at Christmastime, I make a spreadsheet of my ex-partners and their current wives’ families’ availability to see how we can best fit everyone’s festivities into the two weeks of holidays we all want to spend with the children. In addition to my own 23-person family, I have two ex husbands, two step co-parents, 5 sets of grandparents, and 8 half/step siblings to consider when making plans. It goes without saying that this is a delicate juggling act of diverse personalities, many of whom exist within complicated dynamics that impact their capacity for — or interest in — friendliness towards one another. It is so easy to get caught up in what I call “details of doom” (filling in missing pieces of others’ stories with our own fiction), especially when there is relational friction keeping those narratives heated — after a while it can be hard to separate the truth from the one we have created.
When we expect something to be a certain way, we look for confirmation that it is, sometimes even facilitating ways for it to become so. It is difficult to see the potential for positive outcomes moving forward when we are clouded by judgment from old mistakes and grievances. While advice is not something I offer, I can share insight based on what I have learned from my experiences. Lesson one: reroute your map from visiting the past — it isn’t bringing you closer to your next destination.
It's so important that we normalize the spectrum of emotions that come with the holiday season.
— Stock image
“Awkwardness thrives on old matters still taking space in our minds – choosing to channel our energy into new experiences, current conversations, and realistic expectations models interest and strength in moving towards what could be rather than what already was.”
Let the present be your present
Most of our sticky relationships aren’t that way because of something happening in that moment. Most of them are rooted some time in advance. Understanding the elevated emotions and expectations that may come with this time of year, I find it helpful to focus on what exists in the present rather than what happened prior to it. Acknowledging Aunt Helen’s new pumpkin pie recipe rather than that time she wore white to Aunt Sandra’s wedding focuses attention and energy on the present positives rather than re-sparking past negatives. Awkwardness thrives on old matters still taking space in our minds – choosing to channel our energy into new experiences, current conversations, and realistic expectations models interest and strength in moving towards what could be rather than what already was.
But first, let me take a breath
One virtue I have yet to master is the art of silence. It's painful for me to hear crickets and not ask them how they’re feeling, but jumping in with words is only as helpful as the words themselves, and there can be misrepresentation in the unfiltered ones. While I am not negating the helpfulness of automatic and unfiltered thoughts — they can be profound sometimes — I do see great value in taking a moment to process and plan how best to present them, especially when there are big emotions involved. Our brains are rent-free stages for practicing our next moves and while we can’t predict outcomes, we can create a space for planning how best to work towards them. Before you share your opinion on Uncle John’s choice to have a third piece of Aunt Helen’s pie, take a breath and ask yourself – “are these words going to improve my experience and that of others?” If the answer is no, consider having another piece of pie instead.
It's so important that we normalize the spectrum of emotions that come with the holiday season. At a time when so much effort goes into making things joyful, know that there is space for all the feelings — and people available to support you through them. Whether you are suffering from elf-on-the-shelf exhaustion or needing to debrief from difficult relational interactions, reach out this season if you need help making your spirit merry and bright. We’ve got you.
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