Sexual Brakes and Accelerators
By Carly Fleming, RP
Registered Psychotherapist
It’s February! The month of love (for some), a chilly month (for some) where curling up with a special someone (that could be yourself) may be on your mind.
But what if finding that sweet spot of intimacy, vulnerability and desire has been hard to find? Many, many people struggle with intimacy – it’s simply a normal part of being human. But what can we do about it? How can we help ourselves seek and find what we desire?
We’d like to introduce you to the concept of sexual brakes and accelerators. We were introduced to this concept in Emily Nagoski’s incredible book Come As You Are (which we highly recommend). The concept is very simple – there are things that act as accelerators of our desire and other things that act as brakes. The “things” can be sights, sounds, ideas, memories, sensations, etc. Most people have a general sense that there are certain things that turn them on sexually and others that turn them off. But rarely do we stop to deeply consider how we can use the concepts of sexual brakes and accelerators to enhance our sexual experiences.
Dr. Nagoski explains that our sexual accelerators make up our “Sexual Excitation System” (SES) and our brakes make up our “Sexual Inhibition System” (SIS). The effect of the SES is to motivate us to pursue sexual pleasure. The effect of the SIS is to send us the message that this is not the right time to become aroused. The SIS is made up of internal and external brakes. External brakes are environmental cues (e.g. lack of privacy, lack of safety, risk of STI/pregnancy) which signal us to not become aroused. Internal brakes are feelings or thoughts (e.g. negative body image, memories of previous experiences, internalized patriarchal attitudes, mood) which, when experienced, can halt arousal. Each person experiences the SES and SIS uniquely and there is a wide variation among individuals. Interestingly, Dr. Nagoski points out that the way we experience these systems stays relatively stable over time.
If you are interested in doing a quick questionnaire to determine how sensitive your own brakes and accelerators are, you can find Dr. Nagoski’s Sexual Temperament Questionnaire here.
With a newfound awareness of the way your brakes and accelerators impact your sexual experiences, you can get intentional with what steps you put in place to make things more fulfilling. It will look different for each person but ultimately you are aiming to create a balance between the brakes and the accelerators that work for you as an individual. You may want to explore whether you require more accelerators or fewer brakes.
Think back to a recent fulfilling sexual experience – what accelerators were involved? (a particular time of day? a specific location? music? clothing choices?). Now think back to a not-so-fulfilling sexual experience – what brakes were involved? (a certain mood? negative self-talk? kids in the next room?).
Once you’ve identified some accelerators that you can increase and some brakes that you can decrease, you may choose to keep these insights to yourself or you may want to share them with a partner. Because these systems are so personal, there are most definitely ways you can explore your brakes and accelerators within yourself. Or this makes for some refreshing intimacy-building conversation between you and your partner.
Looking for some support?
If you’re thinking about therapy, then you’re already taking a step towards a vision of improved personal well being. If you’re struggling with intimacy, you may be interested in individual counselling or couples therapy. Maybe now is the time, or a seed has been planted for the future. Either way, we’ll be here to support you when you’re ready - because you matter.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.