Does Couples Counselling Work?
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
“Does couples counselling work?”
This is the question that I get asked most frequently by couples attending counselling for the first time. As you can imagine, it’s a hard question to answer. There are several factors that contribute to the success of couples counselling (or marriage counselling if that describes your relationship).
1. Do both members of the couple have the ability/capacity to feel empathy towards their partner?
In a couples counselling session, if both partners can feel and express empathy, amazing things can happen! Even if the empathy has been lying dormant for quite some time, as long as there’s a spark, we can work towards enhancing it. When empathy is present, I can help partners share their fears, past hurts, and insecurities with each other in ways that change long-standing negative cycles.
2. Are both members of the couple willing to accept the influence of their partner?
This is a factor that was described by John Gottman. In counselling sessions, when partners accept the influence of each other, I see them being able to approach problems with creativity and flexibility, they speak with respect about their partners concerns, and are “bought in” to working with their partner towards resolutions of relationship problems. I might hear things like “That’s a good idea, I hadn’t thought of that” or “Even though that may not be a major concern for me, if it bothers you, let’s talk about how to fix it”.
3. Do both partners share the same goal for their future?
When both members of the couple want the same outcome, there is solid ground to stand on. Ideally, both partners want to remain in the relationship if they can make the necessary changes. When the therapist and both partners know that staying in the relationship is the goal, we can get straight to work on determining the best plan of action for repairing and healing. However, sometimes it isn’t this simple. There are times when both partners have decided on a trial separation or a set amount of time before deciding whether to end the relationship or not. These are workable situations and couples can find great benefit to counselling. However, when one person has made a firm decision that the relationship is over and the other wants to stay together, it can be difficult to be authentic and honest in counselling.
While these are the top 3 factors that I see contributing to success in couples counselling/marriage counselling, please know that even when these things are not in place, all is not lost! When both partners are willing to learn and grow, we can plant the seeds for the development of these factors and put solid plans in place to work towards improving and enhancing the relationship.
If you would like to talk further about whether you and your partner would benefit from couples counselling, please contact us for more information.