6 Ways To Set Better Boundaries with your Friends and Family
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
For many of us, spending time with friends and family can feel taxing – like we are meeting the needs of the people around us but they aren’t meeting ours. Often it can feel like our own choices for how to spend our time aren’t being respected and we can feel railroaded into doing what others want to do while our own preferences and desires aren’t being considered. It’s often a tell-tale sign that better boundaries are needed when we feel like we are invisible and not treated as worthy by the people in our lives.
You have to learn to say no without feeling guilty. Setting boundaries is healthy. You need to learn to learn to respect and take care of yourself.
Here are some relatively easy ways to begin setting better boundaries:
When asked to attend an event (even a zoom event!), resist the urge to reply right away. Give yourself some time to consider whether attending this event is the right choice for you.
When you turn down an invitation, don’t apologize or make excuses. Let the person know that you appreciate the invitation but you just aren’t able to attend.
Instead of letting someone ramble on about their life, without asking you how you are doing, make sure you interject with something like “something important is happening for me that I’d love to tell you about.”
Make it clear what your “off hours” are to people who call or text you at inconvenient or disrespectful times. You are absolutely allowed to tell your Dad/best friend/work colleague that you are not up for chatting after 10pm
Don’t take it personally when someone doesn’t like the boundary you set. This is a tricky one – but a key to retaining good boundaries is to let others have their own feelings about your choices without reacting to their feelings or taking them on.
And the most important way to set better boundaries is to set and respect boundaries with yourself. For example, if you know that reading quietly before bed sets you up for a restful sleep, or if taking a few minutes to walk outside at lunch helps you stay focused during your work day, make sure you commit to these practices and don’t let other obligations or the desires of others get in the way.
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