Forced Change or Chosen Change ... What's the Difference?
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
Over the past year, the whole world has been forced to change in ways that have been unfamiliar and unexpected.
Each and every person has lived a different version of this but nonetheless, there has been an enormous amount of change forced upon us that we did not choose. And for some, there has been change that is chosen.
Let’s take a look at how these kinds of changes are different from one another.
When safety and security is threatened.
When the change impacts a person’s safety and stability in the world, it can be extremely hard to handle and have far-reaching consequences. Changes such as the loss of a job or home, divorce, illness, or death can have profound impact on a person’s every-day functioning and their ability to manage day-to-day stressors.
When changes like this are forced upon us, we have to dig deep to cope. This means relying on our resilience and inner strength to face the external pressures that are bearing down on us. It means reaching out to supports wherever we can find them and asking for help whenever possible.
It’s an “all hands on deck” situation and when these changes are happening, the focus of a person’s energy is simply on surviving and getting to a more stable place. But even within this, there is room to grow and learn and create a thriving future. However, for most, these are secondary considerations to simply getting through the day or figuring out how to survive.
When the changes are unwelcome but our basic needs are not threatened.
When the changes do not impact a person’s actual safety and security, there tends to be more space for reflection and growth throughout the process. The kinds of changes in this category are what the majority of people living through the pandemic can relate to. Things like working from home, not seeing friends/family, living on a tighter budget due to wage cuts, etc.
While these changes are forced upon us, and many of them are unwelcome, we are still able to stand on relatively solid ground from a safety and security standpoint. When our basic needs are not threatened, our attention may turn to other things that are impacted by the changes such as quality of relationships, self-care, mood, our physical surroundings.
Over and over again we have heard that the pandemic has forced us to pause and take the time to re-evaluate our lives. In this kind of forced change, people often experience a roller coaster of emotions.
They can swing between feeling very down about the changes and worried about their future to feeling relief that their situation has changed and happy there is more opportunity to re-invent their lives. A hallmark of this state of being is mixed feelings. Happy and sad, excited and worried, hopeless and hopeful.
For some, mixed feelings can create some destabilization but it’s important to realize that the mixed feelings are completely normal and predictable in this state. If you can allow the feelings to come and go without judging them or latching on to them, you will be able to see clearly your life as it is and allow room for your true needs and desires to emerge. It is in this space that personal growth and re-evaluation can happen.
When you choose to change as a result of personal growth.
We all make choices throughout our lives to change or stay the same. It’s a natural part of the human experience. But there are times when we are poised to make big changes that come as a result of our own personal growth. In fact, living through the forced changes described above can be a huge catalyst for chosen change.
But chosen changes are so very different from forced changes because you are in the driver’s seat and responsible for setting the change in motion. When changes are forced, there is always someone or something to blame if things don’t work out. In some ways, chosen changes are the scariest changes of all because you hold the responsibility for the risk incurred.
Unfortunately, for many people, it’s the fear of things not working out and the reluctance to live with uncertainty that holds them back from making changes that would help them thrive and grow. Just knowing this and being aware of the ways you are holding yourself back can bring some clarity.
*Stay tuned to this month’s blog posts which will continue to focus on change and the ways you can thrive through change in your life.
Need help navigating a life change?
When you’re going through or will be going through a significant life change, you’ll need to do lots of personal reflection and discussion with significant people to work through what to consider. If you feel like you may need an objective third party to guide you through this time, consider reaching out to us. Learn more about Life Transitions Counselling here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.