Let's Get Real About Criticism in Relationships
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
Most relationships can tolerate a little bit of criticism.
One partner has had a particularly hard day, they lash out by criticizing their spouse but quickly realize they said something hurtful and soon enough they apologize. The partner on the receiving end of the criticism feels the sting of the critical words but can empathize with the hard day and accept a heartfelt apology. When criticism shows up like this in a relationship, it is perfectly normal and no cause for concern. But when criticism escalates and becomes a habit in a relationship, the consequences can be devastating.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
“Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: no one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won’t make use of your constructive criticism if there’s not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.”
-Harriet Lerner
The research of John and Julie Gottman identifies criticism as a major predictor of divorce! That’s right – this relatively natural communication pattern can become very dangerous to couples if left unchecked. We want to help you understand why partners criticize one another and how you can make sure it does not become toxic in your relationship.
Why do we criticize?
All human beings want to make sense of the world around them. We are a meaning-making species and it is adaptive to try to understand what’s going on around us. However, for some people, when they can’t make sense of things that are happening around them, they experience discomfort. This discomfort can come in the form of anxiety, anger, withdrawal or agitation. Often, this discomfort can feel almost impossible to bear and so they may grasp for something to make it better.
This is where criticism comes in – when we criticize, we assign blame for “things not happening the way we expected” and we can experience a brief moment of relief because the blame provides a quick way to understand the world. However, this blame is not truly sense-making, it is simply grasping for an explanation by criticizing. What we see is an uncertainty 🡪 discomfort 🡪 criticism pattern. When this pattern becomes a habit in a relationship, it can lead to unhappiness and ultimately relationship breakdown.
What is the difference between criticism and constructive feedback?
All relationships require that feedback be given and accepted in order for the relationship to function. But there is a fine line between feedback and criticism. Feedback tends to be specific to a behaviour or circumstance. Feedback focuses on the feelings/experience of the individual giving the feedback and very often comes along with a specific request for change.
For example, “After the holidays I looked at our bank statement and felt really worried that we don’t have enough money to stay afloat in an emergency. Can we sit down and talk about how to manage our spending better?”.
On the other hand, criticism tends to venture into commenting on the partner’s character or personality and is often far-reaching and non-specific. For example, “You always spend way too much money and you don’t even care if we go bankrupt!”. You can often spot criticism because words like always and never are usually part of the accusation.
What happens when criticism becomes a habit?
When a person experiences ongoing criticism, it can slowly decrease self-esteem and self-confidence and make them feel rejected and lonely. From a relationship standpoint, criticism can become an escalating pattern between partners where one criticizes, then another criticizes, and the cycle escalates. Or, if only one partner is the criticizer, it can result in withdrawal and isolation as the receiver of the criticism engages less and less within the relationship.
The result is emotional distance between partners. When we fear being criticized, we are reluctant to show our whole selves to our partner. This means that small problems become big problems as they aren’t addressed in a timely manner, intimacy is eroded, and communication breaks down. Sadly, when children are involved, parents who criticize their partners also often criticize their children and the children experience the same negative consequences to their sense of self.
“Criticism does not make you smarter or better than the one you are criticizing. In fact, the stuff you are critical of in others is the same stuff you don’t like about yourself.”
-Iyanla Vanzant
Tired of playing the blame game with your partner?
If you think criticism might be showing up too often in your relationship, the good news is that you can make changes right away that will help. We’ve put together this free guide for download with real tips and techniques for reducing criticism in your relationship. This guide is for anyone trying to prevent blame and criticism from making their relationship toxic. We hope you find it useful.
Caught between a rock and a critic?
Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern or find it hard to overcome issues that directly impact our ability to maintain a healthy relationship. Every couple goes through ups and downs and it can be helpful to work with a mental health professional in order to work through what’s going on in your relationship. Learn more about Couples Therapy here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.