Let's Get Real About Desire in Relationships
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“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it.”
-Esther Perel
Let’s be honest. The last year has probably affected your libido. When you’re spending your days in sweatpants, wearing no make-up, going ‘a few’ days without a shower, and noticing the consequences of late night bags of Doritos while binge-watching Netflix; you might not be feeling that sexy. And you know what? You are not alone.
Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash
“It’s hard to maintain an erotic environment when you’re locked down together.”
In a recent Globe and Mail article, the vast majority of married couples have indicated that since the pandemic hit last spring, nearly half said their sex lives were in decline. Why? Many spouses are feeling ‘trapped’, together under one roof amid the strain of uncertainty and the unending routine of pandemic life. Children are home, privacy is gone, the house is a mess, stress is high and all of this is triggering fights - all toxic for intimacy and sexual frequency.
“For most couples, it’s hell. There is a greater sense of claustrophobia and desperation.”
- Clinical Psychologist Peggy Kleinplatz
Ironically, the thing most couples need to increase their libido, is time apart from their partner. According to Dr. Lori Brotto, a professor of at the University of British Columbia, when you are beside each other all day, you don’t get the separation and sense of separate identity that are critical for cultivating interest in sexual desire. That time away from the house - alone - is being sorely missed.
Ok. But does that mean you won’t be having sex until this pandemic is over?
Let’s look at some sex facts
We know that the pandemic is affecting intimacy and sexual relationships but chances are, even without this ‘mandatory togetherness’ you’ve notice changes in your sex life already. Maybe sex has decreased in your relationship or maybe the sex is feeling dull, uncomfortable or obligatory instead of being exciting or fun?
How ‘good’ the sex is generally depends on the couple.
The importance of sex and it’s frequency in any given relationship really depends on the individuals involved. Some people aren’t just that interested in sex, and they don’t necessarily need it to have a healthy, happy relationship.
Sex generally improves relationships.
According to many research studies, there is a strong link between a good sex life and a happy overall relationship. Good sex can increase stability and offset the negative affects in terms of communication problems.
It’s normal to not feel in the mood sometimes.
Our interest in sex comes and goes depending on a variety of factors:
stress levels
lack of sleep
hormonal fluctuations
medication side effects
mental health challenges
body image
relationship issues
life changes (new baby, new job, moving)
Sex tends to decrease in long-term relationships.
When we first start a relationship, there is a lot of sexual energy and excitement because we are exploring physical intimacy with someone for the first time. Because it is new, the surge of ‘feel-good’ chemicals we are experiencing explains the ‘desire’ we feel early on in a relationship.
As a couple settles in (after the honeymoon phase), these surges wear off and the flow of desire becomes more regular, lowering the sex ‘hyperdrive’ felt during the initial stages of connection.
Men can have a lower libido too.
Despite cultural stereotypes, not all men want sex all the time. Just as many men experience decreases in their sex drive and are the lower-libido partner in their relationship as women are. People of all genders deal with this, so it is important not to assume that it’s always women who stop wanting sex in a long-term relationship.
Sex in long-term relationships can be hot too.
Desire and sex don't need to decrease in long-term relationships. Plenty of people in long-term relationships have super-hot, wonderfully satisfying sex lives years and years into their relationships. In fact, the longer you know each other, the more comfortable you'll become with exploring new sexual experiences together.
You can get in the mood once you get going.
For some people, sexual desire only comes along after physical arousal has kicked in. This is known as responsive desire. People with responsive desire feel like having sex only once they're physically aroused. This means that if you don't tend to feel like having sex, it doesn't mean you won't enjoy sex once you're having it. Sometimes just being open-minded and being curious about your partner's advances can give you the opportunity to get physically aroused, which might then make you feel like having sex.
Having sex to avoid feeling guilty? Don’t do it.
No one needs to have sex with anyone when they don't want to, even in long-term relationships. Having sex when you don't want to can make you feel disconnected or even resentful toward your partner, and you're less likely to enjoy the sex. Having sex just to avoid feeling guilty for disappointing your partner actually leads to lower sexual and relationship satisfaction.
Sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be exciting.
You’ve probably heard this before, but scheduled ‘date nights’ aka scheduled sex, can be just as sexy as spontaneous sex. Building up anticipation by flirting as you lead up to the ‘date’ (by sexting or simmering) can increase the sexual energy in any relationship. And, you don’t necessarily have to have sex on date night - there are all kinds of physical pleasures that do not include intercourse that can be explored to satisfy both partners.
Lower desire can sometimes be about larger issues.
Good sex generally indicates a happier relationship, but the reverse is also true, meaning that if you’re not happy with your partner, you’re probably not going to be very happy with your sex life. It’s possible there are underlying issues that have to be addressed. Especially if these issues have impacted your trust in each other. Not talking about it, or avoiding it altogether can lead to resentment and even bigger issues down the road if not addressed.
“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment, you’re a part of them.”
-Thom York
Better sex tips
When we are particularly motivated to please a partner or make our partner happy, sexual satisfaction and sexual desire tends to follow. This includes being motivated to have sex when our partner wants it (even if we're not so much in the mood), or trying something new that our partner is interested in, because we know it would make them happy. The key is that our motivation is a relationship-enhancing one. Our desire and satisfaction do not increase if we are having sex with our partner to avoid a negative consequence, such as them being angry or upset. Instead, the idea is to embrace your sexual interests and grow alongside your partner. This also helps avoid sexual monotony and routine.
View the changes in your sex life as understandable rather than problematic. In contrast, acknowledge that it’s normal—even expected—for individuals to want different frequencies of sexual activity and/or want sex at different times. You will be more equipped to navigate those differences if they arise without it negatively impacting your desire or relationship. Be sure to communicate what you are feeling or needed - as it happens - so your partner understands that your exhaustion, or stress, or whatever is effecting your mood - is not a refusal of them.
Give each other some space. While feeling close and connected to a partner is crucial for relationship satisfaction, there is a downside to being so close that we lose sight of ourselves and start to feel like "just" a couple. Space is theorized to give us the breathing room to "see" our partner and appreciate them from a distance. It gives us the opportunity to experience our thoughts and feelings separately from our partner, allowing us to self-soothe our own difficult emotions and to be more emotionally supportive to our partner when they are in need. This dynamic has been found to increase relationship satisfaction and, indirectly, sexual desire.
In closing, when it comes to desire, just be kind to each other. Remember, it’s not always about sex, sometimes the best type of intimacy is where you just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other, and enjoy each others’ company.
References / Resources
The Globe and Mail Another victim of COVID-19: Sex between married couples
The Globe and Mail ‘Arousal-first’ desire may be more typical for women, and it doesn’t need a cure
LifeLabs.uk Simmering Relationships? Nice Idea…
Healthline.com For Better Sex, 8 Tips No Couple Should Go Without
MindBodyGreen.com Have You Tried Simmering? Build More Sexual Energy Into Your Day With This
MindBodyGreen.com 10 Truths About Sex In Long-Term Relationships and Why It Decreases
Psychology Today 5 Ways Committed Couples Maintain Their Sexual Desire
Do you want to bring back that loving feeling?
Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern or find it hard to overcome relationships issues that directly impact our ability to be intimate with our partner. Every couple goes through ups and downs and it can be helpful to work with a mental health professional in order to work through what’s going on in your relationship. Learn more about Couples Therapy here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.