Let's Get Real About Loneliness in Relationships
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed., RP
Registered Psychotherapist
“Even though I’m in a relationship, I feel lonely. And I don’t really understand why.”
This is what a client said to me in a recent therapy session - and it was not the first time I had heard this feeling expressed.
It is clear to me that loneliness is a real and important issue that needs more attention by the mental health community. But there is something unique and interesting about the experience of loneliness during COVID for people in relationships.
Photo by M on Unsplash
We all have a need for social connection
While an expression of loneliness may be understood as an indication of trouble in the relationship, I wanted to move past this too-simple interpretation and see what is going on under the surface. But I needed to start with a useful definition of loneliness. I settled on this definition from Psychology Today:
“Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it.”
The article goes on to recognize the link between loneliness and serious threats to long-term physical and mental health. This definition shines light on the notion of desire for social connection and what happens when a person’s experience of social connection does not meet their desire for it.
Whether we are extroverted or introverted or somewhere in-between, we all have a need for social connection. And this need can be met in different ways by different people throughout our lives. We also experience natural ebbs and flows in how much social connection we need and how much we experience and we have an incredible capacity to adapt to changing social circumstances. But COVID has brought about a whole new level of challenge to our social landscape and this puts major pressure on the person/people in our direct household to meet all of our social needs.
And this is where loneliness comes in. Even though you may live with your partner, and perhaps even feel connected to your partner, it is reasonable that you feel lonely. If you’re working from home, you are likely missing the social connection that comes from the workplace. You’re probably seeing your friends far less (or not at all) and this results in diminished connection with friends. Where you used to feel connected to extended family during family gatherings, this is now reduced to awkward conversations over Zoom. And so the only person left to meet all of these needs is your partner. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship!
So what can you do to curb loneliness?
Given that we have no idea when our social lives will return to “normal”, let’s focus on figuring out what we need to do in the meantime to understand loneliness and reduce it wherever possible. Here are some ideas:
Name it to tame it!
(Thanks to Dan Siegel for this amazing phrase.) If you’ve been feeling kind of down, maybe a bit bored, and you’re wondering why your relationship isn’t meeting your needs, it may be worth naming this experience as loneliness. Naming your emotions can help them to stay manageable and allows you to attend to the specific emotion as opposed to creating a cascade of increasingly intense reactions.
Practice some self-compassion.
Once you’ve named the feeling as loneliness, it is important to not judge it. Give yourself some compassion. It’s totally reasonable to feel lonely after a year of pandemic-living. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship just because you’re feeling lonely. Staying out of judgement is key.
Turn towards your partner.
After months of pandemic stress, it’s easy to turn away from your partner. You might feel emotionally exhausted, angry at your partner, or simply fed up with the world. Your impulse at this time might be to go to bed early, withdraw from conversation and stay quiet. But unfortunately these actions will only serve to make you feel more lonely. A better option is to turn towards your partner, share what you are feeling, and let them know that they can share their feelings with you. Even a short conversation where you both acknowledge that you’re struggling can increase connection and decrease your isolation.
Make time for connecting with your partner.
So many people have noticed that as the pandemic drags on, they are kind of on auto-pilot. Just going through the motions of day-to-day life without much intention or creativity. This is totally understandable and completely normal. But in order for you to reduce your feelings of loneliness, you’re going to need to take some steps out of auto-pilot and into intention. In this case, intentional connection with your partner is the way forward. Connection means different things for different couples at different times. For some, an evening walk together may do it. For others, it may be a conversation after the kids go to bed. Or maybe connecting sexually will feel good for you. And better yet if all of these things are possible for you! Making a concerted effort to connect with your partner will go a long way to reducing your loneliness.
Make time for connecting with others.
It is so important to remember that your relationship was never meant to satisfy all your needs for social connection. Even though you’re tired of virtual meetings and sick of walks with masks on, these things may be providing you with more connection than you realize. Whenever possible, make time for connection with others and see if that takes some of the pressure off your relationship.
Seek help.
If the idea of connecting with your partner just doesn’t seem possible without some help, this is a very good time to seek couples counselling. The past year has done a number on many couples and there is no shame in seeking outside assistance. The artificial circumstances of being locked down with only your partner for social connection has put an enormous amount of pressure on couples. You don’t have to cope alone.
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”
-Carl Jung
Feeling more like roomies than lovers?
Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern or find it hard to overcome issues that directly impact our ability to have a healthy relationship with our partner. Every couple goes through ups and downs and it can be helpful to work with a mental health professional in order to work through what’s going on in your relationship. Learn more about Couples Therapy here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.