Let's Get Real About Sex: What is Healthy Sexuality in a Relationship?
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
A major factor in sexual health is a satisfying sex life within a positive relationship that is respectful and gives you peace of mind. It’s about experiencing mutual pleasure, intimacy and joy as a couple. Sexual health also means being able to enjoy your body while valuing and feeling good about yourself.
Ok, but what does that really mean?
We’ve all talked about the ‘birds and the bees’, but how often do we talk about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like?
Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash
Our perceptions and beliefs about sex have been formed by our experiences and influenced by a variety of external sources. What we have learned about sexuality may or may not be serving us. How receptive we are to learning or unlearning sexual beliefs and behaviours is the first step in becoming sexually healthier in our relationship. So, let’s start by understanding what a healthy sexual relationship can look like … And let’s be sure to recognize that experiencing a fulfilling and healthy sex life is a life-long process that looks different for everyone.
Want to get real about your sex life? Consider these key factors in identifying healthy sexual relationships:
Do you experience this?
Accepting, embracing and comfortable with one’s body and/or body parts; body confidence. Your partner appreciates your body the way it is.
Affection for its own sake outside of lovemaking.
The freedom to choose for both the lower-desire partner and the higher-desire partner. Both feel like they have a voice and sex is engaged in freely.
Restrained and respectful where there are healthy boundaries and both partners feel emotionally and physically safe.
Connection based, focused on the person, focused on connection and resulting in “good” sex.
Fully present and engaged, where both partners are connected mentally, emotionally and physically.
Partners are informed and educated about the differences and specific intricacies of male/female sexual wiring. There are healthy thoughts and beliefs and communication about sex.
Partners mutually initiate and demonstrate an effort to engage in sex.
Multi-dimensional, intimacy and connection which includes mental, emotional and spiritual connection in addition to the physical.
Mutual balancing of the self and the other partner’s desires. Both partners are respectful of each other’s sexual wirings, needs and wants.
Mutually fulfilling where orgasm or other desired-outcomes are achieved for both partners.
Organic and spontaneous, a natural outgrowth of the relationship; nurturing; given or shared.
Or this?
Uncomfortable, ashamed, critical and embarrassed with one’s body and/or body parts. Your partner is dissatisfied with your body and pressures you to alter or improve.
Non-sexual affection only as a precursor to sex.
Sex is an expectation where one partner feels pressured, coerced and manipulated. One partner feels entitled and sex is demanded where the other feels guilted into sex.
Unrestrained impulse satisfaction where boundaries are disrespected, and one partner feels unsafe emotionally and/or physically.
Performance based, focused on physical acts and/or outcomes like climax, efficiency, performance or perfection.
Detached mentally and emotionally where partners are passive or mechanical, or fantasizing about someone else or other acts.
Partners are uninformed and uneducated about individual/personal differences with unrealistic expectations or perspectives based on distorted, stereotypical or negative beliefs about sex.
Only one partner tends to initiate sex and there is an imbalanced effort in engaging in sex.
One-dimensional, physical act that is detached from the relationship, void of mental, emotional or spiritual connection with partner.
Self-centered desires where one partner ignores feelings, desires and boundaries by engaging in behaviours that the other partner considers demeaning, disrespectful and harmful.
Self-satisfying where sex is unenjoyable or unfulfilling for one partner, resulting in that partner resisting /resenting sex.
Compulsive and impulsive, sex is forced or taken and there is a preoccupation/obsessive focus on sex.
So, now that you’ve considered what a healthy sexual relationship can look like, have you identified areas that you might want to work on with your partner? Maybe it’s time to talk about it.
How we can help
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
Our experienced couples counsellors are here to help you navigate major life challenges and develop new patterns of interaction - teaching you skills that are vital to restoring and maintaining a healthier relationship. If you would like to know more about whether couples therapy at everwell is right for you and your partner, book a free 30 minute consultation and we can talk about it.
Sources:
The National Coalition for Sexual Health at nationalcoalitionforsexualhealth.org
Laura M. Brotherson, Knowing HER Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage
Wendy and Larry Maltz, The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography
Barry W. McCarthy and Michael E. Metz, Men’s Sexual Health