Sending your student away to school this fall?
The ups and downs parents and caregivers feel are intense and real!
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
So many of us hold on tight to the end of summer because of the warm weather and those fleeting easy, breezy long days. This year I am holding on tight too, but it has nothing to do with the weather.
Next month, my daughter is heading off to university, and going away from home for the first time. As summer marches along, I will admit to doing a little pre-crying when I walk by her room, imagining it empty and quiet, no Taylor Swift blaring at all hours, no sound of the sewing machine humming, no sound of friends talking and laughing. I am already feeling sad for what is to come. I am thinking about missing time with her during our short chats in the morning before she heads off to school, getting out in the evenings to walk the dog together or seeing her pop her head into my room to talk about her day, just as I settle into bed for 10 minutes of reading before falling asleep. I am even sad about all the pick-ups and drop-offs I won’t be doing when she is away.
And yet, at the same time I am feeling exhilarated that she is so excited to be embarking on this great life adventure and new focused path. She has figured out what she wants to study and what she wants to do with her life and she is ready for the independence that comes with all of these big decisions. As parents, this is what all that work of raising our kids has been for - to get them to the point where they are ready to launch and to create an independent life of their own. It’s just that her older brother stayed home for his undergrad degree and I was pretty happy with that, especially since he was happy and he loved his program. I felt lucky that my husband and I got to have all the kids together under one roof, day in and day out, for a few bonus years.
Sending your student away to college or university for the first time can bring up a range of conflicting feelings, which is totally normal.
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So how can I be feeling happy and sad at the same time as I try to prepare myself for sending my daughter away to school?
The idea of feeling what seem to be conflicting feelings at the same time is something that my clients talk about often. So many of us have a hard time with the idea that we can feel a range of heavy, sad and happy emotions all at the same time. But we can and we do, especially when we are going through big life transitions, such as sending a child away to school for the first time.
Coping with big change, even if it is good, can be stressful and bring up feelings of sadness, grief, fear and anxiety. I can definitely relate to all of these - especially sadness at the passing of time and for this part of family life ending. Of course I know that family life is continuing and that it will become something new, but the specific and special version we have had for so many years is changing and that takes time to process.
So many of us have a hard time with the idea that we can feel a range of heavy, sad and happy emotions all at the same time. But we can and we do, especially when we are going through big life transitions.
When navigating a big transition such as this, it can help to employ three tools: acceptance, detachment and positive reappraisal.
Acceptance means letting ourselves acknowledge all the feelings that are coming up - even if they seem to conflict with each other - as we anticipate and embark on the big moment of transition.
Detachment means pulling back your internal camera lens so you can see the bigger picture.
Positive Reappraisal means finding ways to see the positive by reframing the situation.
These tools make sense to me and are helping me create a framework so I can acknowledge my feelings and move forward in helping my daughter get ready to move out. I know that what also helps me process my emotions is planning and making lists. Right now that means taking time with my daughter to gather some of the essentials she will need for her dorm room. We are doing this and it is turning a daunting task into one of comfort and connection.
So if you are in the same position as me and about to send your child away to school for the first time, you are not alone. The feelings are hard and they are real and it is important that we give ourselves the time and space to feel our feelings as we make this big life transition along with our kids, which will help them have a better start and will help us too.
Looking for some support? When you’re ready, we can help.
If you are sending your student away to school this fall and need a place to process your feelings, therapy can help. Reach out and book a free 30-minute consultation and we can match you with a therapist who can support you.