When we choose divorce
Mine wasn’t the solution to a mistake, it was the response to evolution
By Jennifer Keith, Therapist Intern, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
I knew the outpouring of condolences and casseroles I received when my marriage ended was meant to be supportive, but it triggered me terribly. I was already questioning my capacity to parent my children on my own and being bombarded with sympathy and concern from others just reinforced that everyone else was too. I knew they were trying to be kind but every time someone told me they were sorry, or even worse, that there were other fish in the sea, I wanted to scream. I wasn’t sorry and I didn’t want another fish. I had made a choice to move forward as the single adult in my family - and I was scared, but not of being without a partner. I was ready to be the best captain I could be for my crew, and, while many things were intimidating, I had no intention of turning my ship into a fishing boat.
For my clients and others just learning to sail, and to those soloing rapids, I see you staying afloat. Reach out when you need a beacon.
Navigating the storms
A big piece of my transition into single life was navigating the stigma attached to it; the negativity and shame that comes from classifying one’s marriage as a failure or perhaps a poor choice to begin with. Especially when that doesn’t resonate – as it didn’t for me. My divorce wasn’t the solution to a mistake, it was the response to evolution. Separating didn’t negate my marriage or challenge the love that carried it for years, it was the necessary next step to ensure my partner and I - and our children - continued to be in our best space possible. This shift in our family structure created room for the peace and growth being compromised by unhealthy dynamics. The expiry date on our marriage had come, but that did not mean we as individuals had expired with it. Something hadn’t broken, it had merely evolved. And in evolving with it, we stayed committed to keeping our family in working order - via separate households that celebrated our differences rather than forcing likeness.
To those who feel judged but keep telling your truth, I hear you. Reach out when you need an echo.
“The day my littlest made me a Father’s Day card with a ‘thank you for being Mom AND Dad,’ writes Jennifer Keith, “I realized that perhaps our willingness to be present is more important than our actual performance.“
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A single entity is such because it can stand independently of others …
Now in no way did my progressive mindset spare me the trauma of falling as I challenged my assumed gender roles and took on new responsibilities as a single parent. The first time I put the garbage out myself I threw up right next to it - and the first filter changes and toilet plunges didn’t go much differently. But they went. A lot of things felt forced at times, and still do to be honest; handy projects often come out looking far different than intended and I have yet to nail a recipe with more than six ingredients. There have been many secret tears over things I still haven’t mastered, but there is little time for crying when there are science projects to be glued, and good bath towels to be de-slimed. There is always something to do - I sometimes think a single parent’s saving grace from dwelling on having too many jobs is having too many jobs to do to dwell. Perhaps our greatest gift is that constant reinforcement that we are capable of doing hard things.
For those who are trying and surviving, I see you getting up. Reach out when you need a hand.
Judge me by how much I love them, not how perfectly
When my eldest wanted to shave for the first time, my daughter and I snuck in a YouTube tutorial to be sure we would be helpful supports. We all worked together to figure things out and, while I won’t be hired by a barbershop any time soon, things went relatively smoothly (and to this day my son has no idea he was using a women’s razor). Where I lack in skills, I compensate with unconditional love, heaps of creativity, and the best intentions – which sometimes have to be enough, especially when I am far from my scope and comfort zone. The day my littlest made me a Father’s Day card with a “thank you for being Mom AND Dad,” I realized that perhaps our willingness to be present is more important than our actual performance. If I have learned anything, it is that we don’t have to be perfect, we just have to keep showing up.
For those who feel flawed, I see the perfections in your scars. Reach out if you need my mirror.
Single does not mean half. It does not mean one of two waiting to find its counterpart. A single entity is such because it can stand independently. It may interact with and share in the presence of others, but it is complete and strong and sufficient even without a partner.
Sailing in the single lane
For a long time, I believed that my single status was temporary – not because I wanted a partner, but because the world often suggested I couldn’t feel truly whole without one. It's easy to get caught up with societal norms and judge ourselves accordingly, especially when our lives take on different roads than we originally mapped out. But changing our route does not devalue our journey or destination. And neither does travelling alone. Single does not mean half. It does not mean one of two waiting to find its counterpart. A single entity is such because it can stand independently. It may interact with and share in the presence of others, but it is complete and strong and sufficient even without a partner. Single is not a thing to correct, it’s a choice. And sharing my home with my three children has been the greatest decision I have ever made.
I still feel triggered when I fill out forms and am met with identification options that don’t fit. There is no box that says “single and thriving, while also divorced, healing, and successfully co-parenting”… but maybe it's time to make one.
For those who are afraid to make the first step towards change, I see your strength. Reach out if you need mine too, we are in this together.
Looking for some support? When you’re ready, we can help.
If you or someone you know is struggling with separation, divorce, or complex life transitions, please know you are not alone and there is support. Wherever you are on your journey, we are honoured to meet you there and join you in navigating where to go next. Reach out and book a free 30-minute consultation as a step towards a new relationship with yourself that is built on trust and personal responsibility. We’re here to listen and we can match you with a therapist who can support you on your journey, wherever it takes you.