Why is it So Hard to Rest?
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP & Arijana Palme, BSW
Registered Psychotherapist
This month at everwell we’ve been focusing on challenging the societal narratives that uphold ‘Grind Culture’.
There are many narratives that are common in our culture that prioritize productivity, achievement, and busy-ness over rest, self-care and groundedness. We are all carrying these narratives with us in some form or another.
But even when we begin to challenge these narratives, many of us run into resistance to the idea of rest and the actions needed to step out of the ‘grind’ we are so used to. So let’s take a look at this resistance and how it might be showing up for you.
Rest is not available to all people all of the time.
Firstly, we need to recognize that rest is not available to all people, and certainly not all of the time. We are all beholden to the structures of capitalism which commodify our bodies and labours for capital (aka, money) but while some of us choose to ‘hustle’ and ‘grind’ to get ahead and prosper, others do it simply to survive. There is great privilege in the ability to rest. For many marginalized people working in the most marginalized jobs, rest just simply isn’t available in the same way. While we recognize the significant barriers that marginalized people face in resting, we firmly believe that permission to rest and support of all people to take care of themselves is a goal worth working towards.
If you are in a position where you don’t need to hustle all of the time in order to provide for yourself/your family, you still likely face major barriers to choosing rest and self-care. These barriers are extensive and vary depending on the person, but we chose 3 major barriers to focus on in this blog post.
Negative associations with ‘resting’.
Many people share that when they were kids, if they sat on the couch too long or avoided doing chores, they were called ‘lazy’ (or worse) by their caregivers. This is a shared experience among many people. But even if you didn’t experience this first-hand, you grew up in a culture where these messages were prevalent. In the service of teaching us how to be productive, successful humans, our caregivers often ‘demonized’ the concept of rest and self-care. Once we became adults, we carried these messages with us and when we found ourselves sitting on the couch or avoiding household tasks, we often jumped straight into negative self-talk, questioning our value or justifying this choice.
Because rest and self-care was not valued in our upbringing and is still often not valued in our society, we have very few models of healthy rest and many negative associations (subconscious or conscious) with it.
Scarcity mentality
Many people carry a ‘scarcity mentality’ with them which impedes their ability to rest and re-charge. A scarcity mentality is a worldview that we will never be enough. It often leads to beliefs that opportunities will be limited and success cannot be counted on. Many people carry this mentality with them when in fact they are not actually living in scarcity. This way of looking at the world can complicate a decision about whether to rest or push through, or focus on self-care instead of external achievement. Scarcity mentality can make the idea of spending an hour resting and not “doing” anything very anxiety-provoking. It is possible to move from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset – please see here for some excellent resources.
However, this is another spot where we have to encourage some awareness because material scarcity or scarcity of opportunity is an inescapable reality for folks experiencing poverty or various forms of oppression in their lives. For these people, the scarcity mentality is a function of the realities they face in the world. We don’t want to package the abundance mindset as some salve to the social injustices of the world, because it can actually do the opposite. ‘Thinking positively’ will not change the systems and structures that perpetuate social inequality, and if someone is truly living in scarcity and isn’t feeling abundant then that’s likely a result of their position in society. What is true for everyone that gets trapped in a scarcity mentality is that short-term fears get in the way of having long-term hopes and goals. The size and impact of these short-term fears varies across people and situations and while abundance can seem inaccessible to some, there are some free and simple ways to foster long-term hope. These can centre on cultivating love, connection, community, and nature in our lives, which can help balance some of the anxieties and fears that result from an inequitable society. [But also, let’s never stop questioning, challenging and dismantling the structures that create these realities].
Avoidance of difficult emotions
When we spend most of our waking hours keeping busy, attending to tasks, and looking after others, it leaves very little space for our own emotions. ‘Grind culture’ is a fantastic strategy for avoiding difficult emotions! For most of us, facing our fears, grief, or confusion about our lives and the world around us is a huge undertaking – one that can feel safer to tuck away while staying busy. We’ve identified many problems with pushing down emotions in this blog before but the reality is that even when we push these emotions away, they stay with us, are stored in our bodies, or get expressed in less than healthy ways. When we live in a state of constant productivity and efficiency, we do not give ourselves the necessary time and space to truly feel our feelings so we can accept them and welcome them as part of our human experience.
Looking for some support?
If you’re experiencing the frenzied pace of grind culture, noticing that it’s getting harder and harder to truly rest, or realizing that relationships are suffering because of it, we want to help. We offer counselling and psychotherapy at various price points to try to make therapy as accessible to as many people as possible. Learn more about Affordable Therapy here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.