Why Expressing Your Emotions is Important for Grieving
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
Let’s talk about it …
As a therapist who has the privilege of working with grieving people, I am often asked “Why?” when I begin to work with a client on the expression of emotions associated with their grief.
I get asked this question so often that it is worthy of writing a blog post about it.
As a general rule, our culture doesn’t do a good job of teaching us how to deal with difficult emotions. The old adages of “stiff upper lip” and “keep calm and carry on” are woven deeply inside our collective subconscious. So it’s no wonder that when someone faces a very serious loss which creates intense emotions, often the first reaction is to turn away from the intensity, stuff the feelings down and try to move on with their life. And in many ways, this is adaptive as it allows us to maintain our relationships, our jobs, and our stability while we navigate a significant loss. But as with anything in life, moderation is the key and we need to make sure we create time and space for our emotions while also trying to maintain stability.
So let’s answer the question “Why is expressing emotion important for grieving people?”.
Feel it. It’s going to hurt. But every moment you’re sobbing, you’re doing the work. Every moment you’re hurting, you’re healing. The only way out is through.
- The Joy Blog
Emotions are designed to move
The word emotion is derived from the Latin word meaning ‘to move’.
According to Science Daily, “emotion is a neural impulse that moves an organism to action”.
From its very origins, the word emotion has been associated with movement. Think about the terms “I was stirred up” or “that was really moving” that we use to describe emotional experiences.
Movement is central to the way that we process emotion. With this in mind, we can see why emotion simply cannot be pushed away, stuffed down or avoided all together. However, sometimes when people experience the intense emotion that comes with grief, they feel afraid and unprepared to deal with the pain and distress so old cultural narratives kick in and “just get on with things” or “stop thinking about it and you’ll feel better” sound like good strategies.
Emotions that don’t move get stuck
When we don’t create space and attention to allow our emotions to move, they can become stuck.
Many grieving people can identify with the feeling of tears welling up but you’re not in the right place or with the right people and so you don’t allow the tears to come. You tell yourself this isn’t a good time and you put on a “happy face” so no one notices you’re upset. While this is an important skill that allows you to get through your work day or navigate your daily tasks, the tears you were fighting back don’t just go away. Consider the ways that other emotions may rise to the surface and gently (or not-so-gently) ask for your attention. How about that anger that shows up in the form of a blow-up with a loved one where you feel kind of out of control but you know some important feelings are showing up? If you take this as an important sign that there’s emotion that needs attention, you would give some attention to the anger and apply curiosity and compassion to what comes to the surface. But if you push this anger down in order to stop the argument or settle yourself down, the anger will stay inside and continue to fester until the next blow-up. There are lots of examples here. Take a moment to consider the ways that your emotions send you signs that they need attention and the ways that you push them down or don’t give them the attention they need. No matter what the emotion is or how it shows up for you, when emotions don’t move they can stay with you emotionally and physically and you may feel very stuck.
Stuck emotions can lead to major emotional and physical problems
Emotions that don’t move can get stuck in many different physical and emotional ways. From a physical standpoint, we can all relate to the way that stress shows up in the form of aches and pains in our bodies. When we stop to think about it, we realize that stress is often caused by emotions that are stored in our bodies. What if there was a way to release and express that emotion so that less of it stays in your body and causes pain? If you’ve ever experienced serious anxiety, you probably know the many ways that the emotional experience of anxiety can manifest in very physical ways. Racing heart, sweaty palms, and nausea are all examples of the physical problems caused by anxiety. What if by taking a deep dive into the emotions underlying the anxiety you could experience some relief from these distressing symptoms? While there are many examples of the implications of emotions getting stuck, one of the most well-recognized is addiction. Whether individuals cope with emotional pain by using substances or cut themselves off from emotional experience through something like workaholism, addiction is a prime example of the damage that can be done when emotions get stuck.
“It takes a lot of work to wake up as a human being, and it’s a lot easier to stay asleep than to wake up.”
-Gabor Mate
What can you do?
You may be wondering how you can move the emotions so that they don’t get stuck. This is where emotional expression comes in. The good news is that most of the time, there and very simple and natural ways to get those feelings moving! I’m talking about very simple ways to express emotion that most people know inherently. Crying when you’re sad, stomping your feet when you’re angry or talking to a caring friend when you’re overwhelmed will often be enough. There are many creative ways to express emotion that you may not immediately think of but that are simple (and sometimes even comforting or fun).
Creative Ways to Process Your Loss and Grief
In this free guide, you’ll be introduced to 6 creative strategies, along with step-by-step instructions, about how to process your loss and grief. This guide is for anyone trying to cope with a loss - whether that’s the loss of a loved one, a job or a relationship. We hope you find it useful and comforting.
Your grief is your own
Sometimes in grief the emotions are so stuck or so intense that it can be helpful to work with a mental health professional in order to work through the feelings. If this is the case for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Learn more about Grief and Bereavement Counselling here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.