Time Does Not Heal All Wounds
By Marlena Damone, BA , Registered Psychotherapist
Things will get better in time. There’s no sense dwelling on the past. It’s time to move on. You should be over this by now…
It’s common for us to hear these phrases when we’re talking about grief. Grief is often viewed as something that we have to “get over” in order to move on with our lives. It’s like there’s this unspoken expectation for us to heal and get rid of our grief by looking forward and tucking away the past. We might even try to make sense of grief by viewing it as this linear and predictable process, where the finish line is marked by recovery from grief, acceptance, and a sense of closure. This perspective, however, denies the reality of our grief: we all move through grief in our own way. How it looks, how it feels, how it shows up, and how it stays, is different for everyone one of us.
Photo by Gwendal Cottin on Unsplash
We worry that the past can hold us back
That linear view of grief can also make it difficult for us to make space in our lives for our past relationships. There’s another unspoken expectation that healing from grief means we need to end relationships with those we’ve lost after death. We might be afraid that holding on to past relationships will somehow impact our ability to have new relationships in the present. We feel pressure to compartmentalize our memories and leave the past behind so we’re not stuck in grief forever. But what if we were to change the way we see grief and look at it not as something to get rid of, but as something that moves with us through different points in our lives? What if something that helps us navigate our grief is our ability to nurture our relationships with loved ones after they die?
Continuing bonds of grief
Continuing bonds of grief refers to our ability to have an ongoing inner relationship with those who have died. Just like relationships in life change with us over time, our inner relationships with others can shift and grow. We are able to redefine our relationships so our connection with those we’ve lost will endure. This ongoing connection is a completely natural part of grief, and our ability to remain connected through our relationships is a very human way of coping with loss.
Continuing bonds is something that people have been doing intuitively across time and cultures. From celebrations that honour one’s ancestors, to lighting a candle in memory of those we’ve lost, these customs show us it’s okay for our attachment to our loved ones to continue after their death. What’s more, our ability to continue our relationship with them is an important reminder that they do not disappear from our lives after they die.
Many of us already unconsciously find ways to continue in our relationships with our loved ones. We sit with them on their favourite spot overlooking the water, we talk to them about a book they would have liked, we feel their presence when we see a cardinal out the window. We can continue bonds by holding the memory of that person, looking to things in our lives that remind us of their presence, and inviting them into our present moments.
How can we nurture continuing bonds?
We can nurture continuing bonds in different ways that are meaningful to us. For some, having pictures of loved ones or keeping special items are ways to maintain connection with those we love. We can keep their values close to our heart and do things our loved ones would have enjoyed. It could be something simple like enjoying their favourite meal or listening to meaningful songs. It can be helpful to think of different ways that you can feel connected with loved ones.
Ways to stay connected
Talk to them
Whether out loud or in your head, share parts of your day, moments they would find interesting, or things that would make them proud. Talking to loved ones can help you feel closer to them.
Write to them
Keeping a journal or writing letters is another way to maintain communication with your loved ones. Share your thoughts and feelings, draw pictures, or jot down anything that’s on your mind, as often as feels best for you.
Imagine what advice they would give you
When faced with decisions or when looking for guidance, imagine what they would say to you. How would they help you decide what to do? How can they be with you in that moment?
Do something they would have enjoyed
We can feel closer to loved ones when participating in things they enjoyed doing, like watching a hockey game or going on a walk in a place they liked visiting.
Plan for their anniversary
Find personal and meaningful ways to honour their memory. Cook their favourite meal, make them a card, or hold a gathering to celebrate their life.
Finish a project they never finished
Help them complete a task, be it something around the house, a hobby they were working on, or something they’ve been meaning to do. This can help you work together in the present moment.
Honour them during holidays
Stay connected with them during the holidays and find a way to involve them in your celebrations. Cooking one of their recipes, setting a place for them at the table, or keeping their picture out can be ways to include them with you during these special moments.
In whatever way feels natural for you, continuing bonds can help us understand our grief and allow these important relationships to evolve with us.
“Wherever a beautiful soul has been there is a trail of beautiful memories.”
-Author unknown
Creative Ways to Process Your Loss and Grief
In this free guide, you’ll be introduced to 6 creative strategies, along with step-by-step instructions, about how to process your loss and grief. This guide is for anyone trying to cope with a loss - whether that’s the loss of a loved one, a job or a relationship. We hope you find it useful and comforting.
Your grief is your own
Sometimes in grief the emotions are so stuck or so intense that it can be helpful to work with a mental health professional in order to work through the feelings. If this is the case for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Learn more about Grief and Bereavement Counselling here.
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