That Feeling You’re Feeling is Grief
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
Grief is a normal process of reacting to a loss.
That loss may be physical (such as death), social (such as divorce), or occupational (such as a job). But the pandemic has turned our lives upside down over the past year. Most areas of our lives have changed dramatically, from our work, to school and our social lives. With all of these changes, it is not uncommon to experience higher than normal feelings of anxiety, irritability and sadness.
But, is that grief?
When you hear the word grief, you often think of the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, but with the coronavirus, we are experiencing grief due to the loss of our ‘regular’ lives - our lives ‘before’ the pandemic. We are experiencing the loss of our routines, our schedules, our relationships, our sense of security and safety.
Some people are hesitant to label their feelings as grief given that so many people have contracted and died from the virus, but it is important to recognize that although your loss may be different from others, it is still significant. Your loss matters. It is okay to grieve what you have lost.
Give yourself permission to think about what you have lost since the pandemic began. Perhaps it was missing important milestones or celebrations, like graduations, anniversaries or birthdays. Perhaps it was having to cancel vacations, trips or other plans. Perhaps it’s missing out on moments with family, friends, colleagues and even strangers. Perhaps it’s the inability to interact socially by smiling, making small talk, giving handshakes or sharing hugs. Most likely, it is the loss of your regular routine - commuting, getting coffee, eating out for lunch, girls’ night, date night, etc., etc. - how you spend your time and who you spend your time with. Most definitely, it’s not being able to look forward, to dream, to plan, to do anything with certainty because ‘everything’ right now is uncertain. It’s frustrating and it’s scary.
It’s okay if you want to cry. You’re not the one who feels this way.
“ It is kind of shocking when your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on with life. How can the birds continue to sing? How can people carry on loving life? It is like you have become frozen in time and are now watching life like a movie. As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you will never forget that point in time where life stood still.”
-Zoe Clark-Coates
The grieving process
Be patient with yourself.
There are many feelings associated with loss that you may experience and grieving is a highly individual experience. There is no right or wrong way. How you grieve will depend on many factors including your life experience, personality and coping style.
Give yourself some time to accept your loss. There is no “normal” timeframe, no schedule, no right amount of time for when you should feel certain emotions or be over others. The grieving process takes time and healing happens gradually. You may start to feel better in weeks or perhaps months. But whatever your experience with grief, it’s important to let the process unfold naturally and be patient with yourself.
Myths and facts about grieving
Myth: You need to be strong and ‘carry on’.
FACT: Coping with the loss of a loved one is one of life’s biggest challenges - it can cause very intense grief - but any loss can trigger feelings of grief. Whatever it is, it’s personal to you and you don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty, or believe that it is somehow inappropriate to grieve for certain things. Feeling angry, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying or feeling sad does not make you weak. You are not helping anyone - especially yourself - by putting on a brave face and burying the real emotions.
Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t really sad about the loss.
FACT: It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay to be hopeful. Just because you feel these emotions doesn’t mean you are not grieving for your loss. Crying is a normal response, but it is not the only one. Just because you don’t cry doesn’t mean that the pain you feel isn’t as deep as someone else. You just have a different way of showing it.
Myth: If you ignore the pain, it will go away faster.
FACT: In order for healing to happen, make sure to create space for your grief, express your feelings, and try to make meaning out of the loss. Trying to keep your pain from surfacing by ignoring it will only make things worse in the long run.
Why it’s important to take care of yourself
The mind and the body are connected.
To get you through this difficult time, you will have to look after your physical and emotional needs. When you feel physically healthy, you are better able to combat stress and fatigue and cope emotionally. It’s important to get enough sleep, eat well and exercise - and not use alcohol or drugs to lift your mood or numb your pain. That’s because, although grief is an emotional process, the stress of a loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves and can involve physical symptoms including:
Fatigue
Nausea
Lowered immunity
Weight loss or weight gain
Aches and pains
Troubled sleep patterns / Insomnia
Unresolved grief can lead to complications.
Grief can often cause withdrawing from others and retreating into yourself, but over the long run, hiding or avoiding feelings of sadness and distress can lead to more serious emotional suffering. In order to heal, the pain must be acknowledged. If not addressed, grief can develop into more serious and complicated problems including:
Depression
Anxiety
Substance abuse
Extreme anger or bitterness
Feeling that life is empty or meaningless
Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.
-Vicki Harrison
When is it time to seek support?
Now is the time to lean on those people who care about you. Having the support of other people is vital to dealing with a loss. Whether that’s with friends or family, it’s important to express how you are feeling and accept the help that is being offered. Even if you’re not comfortable talking about your feelings under usual circumstances, sharing your feelings of grief can make the burden much easier to bear. You may want a shoulder to cry on and talk through your loss. Or, you may want to just hang out and not talk about it. The key is not to isolate yourself and avoid social contact.
As time passes, it’s normal for feelings of sadness, numbness, or anger to gradually ease. These and other difficult emotions often become less intense with time as you make meaning and discover what life has to offer post-loss. However, if you aren’t feeling better over time, or it’s just getting too much for you, reaching out for professional support sooner rather than later is always a good idea.
Your grief is your own
Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment and let no one else tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” It’s okay to be angry, to yell, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and hope. But most importantly, remember that it’s okay to not be okay.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Regardless of how the pandemic has affected you, there is no wrong time to reach out for support. If you’re finding it hard to deal with a loss and you think you may benefit from some counselling, please get in touch. Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it. Learn more about Grief and Bereavement Counselling here.