Back To School Anxiety for Parents - Like We've Never Experienced Before
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
It’s back to school season. Typically that hectic time of year of new shoes, backpacks, pencil cases, water bottles and bulk peanut-free snacks. Typically, a transitional time of year when families used to look forward to school resuming at summer’s end. But this year things are anything but typical. This year, parents are frantically searching for breathable face masks, hand wipes and gallons of sanitizer. This year, back-to-school season is packing a powerful emotional punch - of anxiety - and parents are getting hit hard.
It’s ok to not be ok.
Be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can.
Let’s all just recognize that we are talking about ‘back to school’ in a worldwide pandemic!! This is a situation that none of us has ever experienced before – so please, go easy on yourself, go easy on your friends and family, go easy on your kids, and go easy on the teachers. We are all navigating an incredibly difficult situation.
If you are the parent of a child in school - whether school is a little one starting kindergarten or a university student starting their final year - the end of this summer is putting an enormous amount of pressure on you, demanding that you deal with situations that you’ve never had to confront before. No one has.
You are ‘expected’ to make sound decisions in the absence of adequate information. You are ‘expected’ to support your child but not let your anxiety rub off on them. You are ‘expected’ to continue to function in your ‘regular’ roles at work, home and elsewhere – all after 5 months of some of the most stressful experiences of your life.
Please let me remind you that it’s ok to not be ok. Be kind to yourself and please don’t judge your performance – you are doing the best you can.
Uncertainty is everywhere. Make it your friend.
At its core, much of our anxiety stems from our struggle to manage uncertainty. When we are faced with uncertainty that feels too much for us to handle, we grasp control any way we can. This can be in the form of constant thinking/talking about solutions, planning details down to moment-to-moment execution, googling frantically, or ruminating about the steps required to stay safe. Unfortunately, these attempts to feel in control usually result in more anxiety and it becomes a vicious cycle. Instead of grasping for control, remind yourself that you are feeling anxious because of uncertainty and sit with it. It is likely that you cannot fix this, no matter how much you want to. And the reality is that our world is full of problems we can’t solve – all you can do is your best.
Make one decision at a time.
When we are anxious and uncertain, we often try to control and predict the future. The problem is that in a worldwide pandemic, it is difficult to predict much of anything. Instead of getting caught up in thinking along the lines of “what if this happens then this happens, then this person does this, what will we do?” remind yourself to make one decision at a time based on the information available to you in this moment. This is all you can do. And you can make the next decision on the information available in that moment – there is a lot of flexibility here.
Beware of anxious people posing as experts.
The world is full of anxiety right now – I’m anxious, you’re anxious, your school principal is anxious, journalists are anxious, politicians are anxious… the list goes on. And what do we do when we are anxious (see above)? We try to create certainty for ourselves. Taking the ‘expert’ role is a fine way for someone to create certainty for themselves. The problem is, unless that person is an actual expert on the topic, they will create false certainty. And their false certainty may send you spinning, trying to add their perspective to your already complicated feelings. Much of what you will read on social media and many of the conversations you are having with friends or colleagues fall into this category. Beware. Take it with a grain of salt (and understand it for what it is – an understandable attempt to feel more certain).
Find ways to reduce your stress
Stress is an inevitable part of living in our world right now. But it just isn’t good for you to feel stressed every minute of every day. You need to experience calm, bring your blood pressure down and feel grounded. Finding time to make this happen isn’t indulgent – it is absolutely necessary. Let me add to the chorus encouraging you to breathe, to move your body, to take time for yourself. The easy choice is to say “I don’t have time” – the harder choice is to tolerate the difficult feelings that may come if you take this time. You may have a temporary increase in your anxiety when you pause and take time out – but don’t stop there. Try to tolerate those feelings as you move into your chosen stress-reducing action. You may choose to do a brief breathing exercise, take a walk by yourself, do an online yoga class or perhaps simply sit for 2 minutes on the edge of your bed and take a few deep breaths. You must make this a priority in order for you to manage the reality of the world you are living in right now.
Still asking yourself ‘how can I manage this?’
Many parents are having a harder time dealing with COVID-19 than their children, and some of the anxiety that kids are experiencing may be inadvertently passed on.
As parents, we need to be modeling for our kids how to react to stressful times by coping with anxiety in healthy ways. If we’re showing our kids catastrophic thinking, worrying and fear, then they’re going to learn that’s the way to handle the times now.
This is where a therapist can help. Dealing with your own anxiety can be the most powerful way to make sure your kids feel secure. If you or your children are feeling worried, learning how to deal with that anxiety in a healthy way can help the whole family be more resilient, both now and when the pandemic is finally over.
How we can help
Manage worry - your kids’ and your own
When life gets stressful or specific events occur, the strain may become too much to handle on your own. If you would like to know more about whether counselling is right for you, book a free 30 minute consultation and we can talk about it.