Why Does My Partner Feel Like My Roommate?
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
As a therapist who specializes in working with couples, it is always interesting to see the world through the common themes that emerge with different couples in a short period of time. My sense is that these themes transcend individual households and relationships and act as a very interesting window into the current world we are living in.
The stressors of our lives tend to be shared among communities that experience similar stressors. These shared experiences result in similarities that feel more powerful than ever.
Lately, couples are saying they feel more like roommates than lovers or life partners.
Over the past couple of weeks, couples have been telling me they feel that they are interacting with their partner more as a roommate than a life partner or a lover. It’s not that they’ve never felt this way before, it’s that this way of interacting seems to be happening a lot more and it’s getting hard to shake.
What do they mean by ‘roommate’?
(That’s the first question I asked). They mean that they are peacefully co-existing, sharing household duties, discussing strategies for getting through the day. They mean that they are spending a lot of time in the vicinity of the other person which feels perfectly pleasant, but interactions rarely go deeper than day to day issues. They mean they are watching movies or TV together and often discussing world events. But that’s it.
They aren’t relying on each other emotionally. They aren’t having deep conversations – they aren’t even arguing very much.
And they aren’t having sex. And they don’t like it – they want their relationship back – in all it’s messy, beautiful, connected, sometimes conflicted glory.
So what’s going on?
Firstly, I think we are all exhausted.
The stress that exists in our world, our communities, and our households is taking it’s toll. We have likely used much of our energy to navigate our day so that when it’s time to connect with our partner at the end of the day, we simply have nothing left.
I’m also noticing that many partners are working together as a team more than they ever have.
Day to day life requires more navigation, balancing, decision-making than it usually does and many couples are rising to the occasion. But this can leave them feeling more like co-workers than lovers.
Lastly, many people are scared.
There is a low-lying fear permeating our world right now and no one is immune. The fear may be actively showing up in our relationships or it may be almost imperceptible. But it’s there. And we all know what we do when we are scared – we fight, flight, or freeze. None of these things will allow us to connect emotionally, physically or spiritually with our partner as connection requires vulnerability – the exact thing that the fight, flight, or freeze reaction is steering you away from.
So what can we do about it?
Well, the first thing to do is recognize that it’s happening.
Check in with your partner and find out what they’ve been noticing. Once you’ve recognized it, it’s important not to judge it. This is a normal reaction to some very unique circumstances and it doesn’t mean there are major problems in your relationship. Try to stay out of blame (either towards yourself or your partner) and be compassionate.
Next, the ideal thing would be to carve out some time to talk about the fear and anxiety you are both feeling.
There’s no need to ‘fix’ the fear – just give it some attention and allow your partner to comfort you. By accessing the emotion, you will hopefully access some vulnerability as well which will lead you to connection with your partner. From this soft place of connection and vulnerability, make some plans to prioritize each other. Carve out an hour a few times a week where the phones go away, the news is turned off and you aren’t strategizing/planning your life.
And simply be together.
Remember – it’s the vulnerability that will lead you to connection so whatever you can do to help yourself and your partner remain vulnerable will be the key to moving back into the messy glory of your relationship.
How we can help
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
However, when life gets stressful or specific events occur - whether big or small - the strain may become too much to handle alone or together. If you would like to know more about whether couples therapy is right for you and your partner, book a free 30 minute consultation and we can talk about it.