Communicating About Finances as a Couple
By Carly Fleming, Registered Psychotherapist
Finances are one of the top sources of conflict for couples. Why is money so hard to talk about? What can we do to make it easier?
As a couples therapist I often hear about the strain that communicating about finances places on a relationship. Many couples attempt to communicate about money but find themselves in familiar, unhelpful patterns each time they try. Instead of giving up hope and sweeping these conversations under the rug, it can be really helpful to understand what’s going on under the surface.
Money is highly associated with feeling safe and secure.
While there are many different “reasons” that couples fight about money, most of them come down to differences in what makes each person feel safe and secure. For example, for one member of the couple, having a decent savings account may be vital to their feelings of security. And for the other member of the couple, the ability to spend money when they feel it’s necessary is vital to feeling safe. When these people come together to talk about money, conflict often arises. Attitudes about money are shaped by how we perceive our place in the world and our reactions and relationships to those perceptions.
The foundations for the role that money plays in our lives are often laid in childhood.
The way that finances played out in our families of origin highly influence our relationship with money as adults. For some, they saw their parents have a healthy relationship with money and grew up with financial security. On the one hand, this bodes well for an adult relationship with money but on the other hand, it can make a person cling tightly to this financial model even when their financial reality demands something different from them. For others, they may have experienced financial insecurity in childhood or a chaotic relationship with money was modelled for them. For some of these people, they react by tightening control on their finances so that they don’t have to feel the same lack of safety they experienced as a child. While this may reflect well in one’s bank account, the lack of flexibility in a relationship can be problematic.
It is 100% possible to change your relationship with money as an adult. But how?
Even if we were modelled unhealthy relationships with money as a child or we are clinging to rigid ways of navigating finances as an adult, it is absolutely possible to make positive changes. Every positive change you make in your relationship with money will be reflected in less conflict and more ease with your partner.
Approach your relationship with money curiosity and an openness to growth.
Awareness is key! You will need to become aware of the ways that your past is influencing your present. Increase awareness by:
a) notice when you are reacting (not responding) to financial triggers
b) bring self-compassion to the forefront and learn to self-soothe your way through your emotional reactions
c) become curious as to the source of your reactivity
Begin to communicate differently with your partner
When conversations with your partner haven’t gone well in the past it is natural to be afraid of stepping back into these conversations. This is why you need to communicate differently. When you bring awareness of your own past and your triggers into the conversation, you are less likely to be reactive and more able to communicate from a place of curiosity and exploration.
Consider your partner’s past and their point of view
Along with curiosity about your own past financial narratives will naturally come curiosity about your partner. Instead of a “us vs. them” approach, consider that there is no right or wrong way to approach finances. If you stay out of blame and approach the conversations with curiosity, you may find that there is more common ground than you originally thought.
Questions to ask yourself to get started.
To jump-start your personal awareness journey, considering journalling or reflecting on these questions:
What is my relationship to scarcity? How does this play out in money conversations?
What does money symbolize for me?
What am I avoiding when it comes to money?
Other than paying bills, saving, what does money mean to me?
Looking for some support?
If you are looking for a therapist to provide some support through your journey of personal awareness or a couples therapist that can help you and your partner come together and communicate safely about financial issues, please get in touch. To learn more about couples therapy, click here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.