Emotional Awareness: A New Approach
By Armaan Amlani-Kurji, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying), Therapist Intern
From Emotional Analysis to Emotional Awareness
Picture this: You’re replaying an argument you had with your partner that was emotionally distressing, and while you are back on good terms with your partner, you can’t help but remember how much emotional discomfort it caused you. You have some emotional awareness - you may have recounted that leading up to the argument, work was really busy, which meant your bandwidth was already quite low. Or perhaps the argument reminded you of a pattern from your past that was rearing its head again. You try to make sense of why you are feeling distressed, each time trying to think of why you reacted the way you did and drawing logical links to why it hurt you. Your friends may even praise you for being so self-aware and knowing yourself so well. You’re good at analyzing the emotions. Yet, thinking about all the reasons why it happened still doesn’t seem to make the feelings dissipate - which then leads you to think even harder for other possible reasons why the distress is showing up again. Does this sound familiar?
If you found yourself nodding along as you read the above scenario, you are not alone. It captures the common human tendency to intellectualize our emotions, which is a coping mechanism many of us use to feel like we have a sense of control over our emotional lives. However, as you may have realized, while intellectualization is a form of emotional awareness, it can only provide temporary relief. It doesn't address the core issues or help us process our feelings fully. So, how else can we approach our emotional discomfort more sustainably and become fully aware of our emotions? Let us look at some ideas that can help us on this journey.
Noticing and Naming
A lot of the time, when we have difficult emotions, it can feel intimidating to experience them, which is why we may try to intellectualize the discomfort. What if we tried to watch what was happening inside with the curiosity and wonder a child has when they discover something new?
What is that feeling that you are trying to run from? Can you try and pinpoint it? Is it shame? Is it guilt? For some, this may be a difficult task to do, so the first step is to try and see which underlying emotion(s) are at play. Using a feelings wheel can help reveal the nuances in your emotions.
Once we can define and delineate the emotion(s) that arise, we may be more willing to experience them because we have condensed this vague discomfort inside of us to a word to label the discomfort. Emotions tend to have a physical manifestation in our bodies, and once we can get used to labeling our emotions, we may be able to slowly notice how they show up in our bodies, in their own unique way. We have to FEEL our feelings, after all.
Mindfulness
Cultivating an attitude of mindfulness can help us to feel our feelings fully. Mindfulness involves intentionally paying attention to our present moment in a non-judgmental and accepting manner. This involves noticing what is going on inside us (our thoughts, memories, emotions, urges, etc) as well as what is going on outside of us - what we see, hear, taste, touch and smell. Mindfulness allows us to be with what is, as it is, without needing to change our experience in any way. If we can apply this same stance to our feelings (no matter how difficult), we can start to see their transient nature and are less likely to be overwhelmed by them or spend all our time and energy trying to get rid of them. With mindfulness,we may be more likely to notice when we revert to intellectualizing, and can then gently bring our focus back to feeling the emotion in our body.
Be Compassionate
It is important to note that being compassionate with ourselves as we do this is key; think of it as a new skill you are trying to develop - and as with anything that takes practice and repetition! No one can master a skill overnight. Considering this is essential as we approach our emotions with kindness and acceptance - especially when they are difficult. Try and treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is going through a tough time. Can you begin to acknowledge how much courage it takes to start the journey of processing our feelings? See how your experience is universal to the human condition; we all feel pain and difficult emotions when we are hurting. It reminds us that we are humans who care.
Start Small
Some emotions such as fear or grief may be very difficult to feel when we start to practice feeling them. That is okay! We do not have to start with those, but perhaps we could start with trying to feel what our other emotions are like. Have you ever tried to experience boredom? Or contentment? Or irritation? Or appreciation? These “mundane” emotions are a great place to develop our capacity to feel emotions. Could you challenge yourself to devote 10 minutes a day to feel what is going on inside you when these mundane emotions show up? What physical sensations do you notice when you are content? Where do you feel the boredom most in your body? Where do you hold onto tension when you are irritated? Can you label any other emotions that tend to co-occur with appreciation? Starting small is key to becoming better at feeling the more difficult ones.
In conclusion, as you progress in the development of your emotional awareness skills, remember that it's not about perfection but progress. When you are able to be with your emotions fully, you're not just exploring your feelings; you're discovering yourself. By drawing up your courage to feel, you're opening doors to a world of self-awareness, resilience, and deeper connections with others. After all, it is not about avoiding your emotions, but about welcoming the messy, beautiful and genuine mosaic of your journey as a human being.
Looking for some support?
If you are looking for a therapist to provide some support through your journey of emotional awareness or practicing any of the skills you’ve read about here, please get in touch. To learn more about Emotion-Focused therapy, click here.
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