How to cultivate habits that support your mental health
What if I told you that building healthy habits is not about striving or consistency? It’s just about how you feel!
Sept 16, 2025
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist
Am I the only one who feels like building habits can be kind of a chore? It’s the fall and that means the pressure to start over and do better is in full swing, especially after the more mellow tempo of summer when most people’s routines and goals often go out the window.
And yet, there is also something special about giving ourselves another chance to start over and do better. From the time we are little, the back-to-school season is a chance to refresh our routines and begin again, redefine and recommit to what is important to us and renew our focus on caring for ourselves in a more holistic and consistent way.
But getting back into habit-building mode can feel like another have-to on top of what is already a huge pile for most people.
“I started to just think about how it would feel to ride my bike, how it would feel while I was doing it…”
My relationship with habits has been dodgy since I was a kid.
Growing up, my dad’s favourite directive was “work hard, play hard,” which I tried to do to make him happy, but ultimately this concept held no positive meaning for me and therefore never motivated me to do better in school or read more books — the things he was trying to encourage me and my siblings to do. Habits always felt heavy to me, they always felt like something I was failing at and even if I came close to succeeding at one, like a consistent workout routine or fitting into a certain size jeans (which were my goals for way longer than I care to admit) I always slid backwards and reverted to my old ways on top of which more shame and regret built up year after year.
Habits have gotten extra attention over the last few years when in 2018 author James Clear published his wildly popular book, Atomic Habits. The core message is that habit changes are most successful and lasting when we take consistent, tiny actions, which over time add up to more significant results. My sister got a copy of this book for me and for her hoping this would help us both succeed. Over time this has been one of the main topics of our conversations during our weekly walks or daily texts. Regretfully, I have only made it through half the book. And that is not because it is not helpful or well written. It is both of those things and I plan to get back to it to read the rest — at some point. But for me, something big about habit building has always felt like it was missing, I just could not put my finger on what.
I have often asked myself why I have not been able to stick to the habits I declare to myself I so desperately want.
The answer has come to me over the last few months through my meditation practice. And that is, when I focus on how something feels, rather than doing the task itself, I am 100 times more likely to do it consistently than if I just focus on what I should do to complete the task.
My best example right now is riding my stationary bike in my basement. I have had this thing for at least 6 years and I have hardly used it. Every time I would go to the basement freezer to get something out to make for dinner, it would be staring at me, either chastising me or sitting forlornly in the corner of our small workout space looking neglected and dejected. Or maybe that was me projecting …
I started to think more about riding this bike and what was stopping me from just doing it when I knew I wanted to. In the past I would have put my workout clothes out the night before so I could not walk by them in the morning without seeing them and being guilted into putting them on and doing my workout. Or I would have made a chart with my workout plan listed and manually crossed off each workout I completed so I could see my progress. As you have predicted, that strategy did not work either. I would walk past the workout space where my poster-board sized paper was plastered, either completely ignoring it or giving it the side eye but not doing it.
And then something shifted.
I started to just think about how it would feel to ride my bike, how it would feel while I was doing it, not just when it was over and I had completed the task and did not have to worry about it for another day. I started really feeling into what cycling felt like emotionally. One day I put my biking shorts on, got my airpods, put on a podcast, closed my eyes and just started riding. I didn’t look at the data on the screen telling me how fast I was going or how many calories I was supposedly burning. I just kept my eyes closed, and moved my body. By the end I was sweaty and relaxed. It felt so good to move and I could feel how I had processed some of the feelings I had been holding onto before my ride. Three months later I am riding my bike consistently most days and loving it more than I have ever loved any exercise I have done in the past.
What I am suggesting is a big reframe.
Move away from have-tos and from measuring progress in order to feel worthy and validated, and validate yourself by doing the thing you love because of how it feels for you. When it feels good you will do it more. The end result will be the same. But how you get there and keep going will be a whole new experience.
If you some help navigating your relationship with habits and moving into a more easeful approach to self-improvement, therapy can help! You can connect with us online to book a free consultation and match up with a therapist who will be your partner and guide every step of the way.