Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the Cancer Journey
By David McCallum, Registered Social Worker
In my practice supporting those living with cancer, and those filling caregiving roles, loss inevitably comes to the forefront of therapeutic discussions.
In the context of cancer, there are many kinds of losses. On one end of the spectrum there is the potential loss of life. This part of fear may be the first that arises when one is diagnosed with any type of cancer (“Is this cancer terminal?” or “Will I survive this?”). What we do not always consider, though, is the profound impact on one’s identity. From the outset, cancer confronts us with a loss of “normality.” Diagnosis often comes as a shock and life can grind to a halt. It can be helpful to consider this experience through the lens of ‘parts’ or ‘internal family systems’.
All of the parts that used to function “normally” within our system pile up like boxcars behind the train engine. In the struggle to cope with loss and grief (e.g. loss of employment, changes in physical appearance, loss of independence, changes in family roles, loss of social connections), these parts may go to great lengths to secure any sense of normality (e.g. denial, passiveness, striving/over-controlling, “powering through,” over-planning, distraction). As losses mount, one may feel that they are left only with the identity of being a cancer patient, and this can be profoundly isolating.
Some of the parts that struggle the most are those that focus on doing, performing, caring and accomplishing as means of coping. A person may have very strong caretaking parts, and the notion of being cared for is counterintuitive, and perhaps very painful. These parts may ask, “Where will my purpose come from if I am not caring for others?” Similarly, the performing and accomplishing parts within our systems may not want to step away from vocational roles. These parts may question where success and validation will come from if work is no longer an option.
When confronted with unknowns, the parts in a person’s system may experience a sense of panic and potential shut down.
What is needed in these moments, and indeed across one’s broader cancer journey, is meaningful connection. Not only connection with trusted others (e.g. friends, family, health professionals, higher power, faith communities, pets, etc.), but also with your Core Self. Frank Anderson identifies the Self as “…our core, our essence, our internal compass that possesses inherent wisdom and healing capacity.” It is the place deep within us that cannot be touched by grief or trauma. Once differentiated from parts, it will act as the empowering leader of the internal system.
When we are “Self led,” we experience varying amounts of confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness. Perhaps the most encouraging thing is that we do not have to try harder to access Self. In fact, we are invited by Aundi Kolber to try softer! Consider the simple things that help you feel more grounded in the midst of all the unknowns (e.g. a cup of tea, a good book, a favourite TV show, your pet, a good cry, a good laugh, writing, reaching out to someone). These things can act as secure bases amidst an ocean of grief. They provide a resting place, if only for a moment, where we can experience restorative power of connection. For a deeper dive into the power of connection as a secure base, take a look at this powerful video from Neimeyer and In de Wolken.
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