Thinking about divorce? Let’s look at 5 ways you can make sense of these thoughts.
By Carly Fleming, Registered Psychotherapist & Director
As a couples therapist, I have worked with many couples where divorce is “on the table”. Usually one or both partners have found themselves thinking about divorce for some time and these thoughts can be the reason for seeking couples therapy. For some, the damage to the relationship is so extensive that divorce may be the best resolution. However, for many more couples, there are ways to navigate the conflict, the unhappiness or the disengagement that allow for the relationship to stay intact.
Take a look below for 5 ways to help make sense of your current relationship difficulties.
1) All long-term relationships go through seasons.
Over the course of long-term relationships, there are natural fluctuations that take place – these fluctuations are based on life circumstances, age, health status and more. No couples experience 100% happiness at all times. If you find yourself thinking about divorce, consider whether your relationship is in a quiet, dormant season or maybe a higher conflict, frustrated season. Maybe there aren’t any fireworks, it may feel that the chemistry is gone, and you may be arguing more than usual, but in fact you may be simply in a season where other elements of life are taking the priority. This is normal. But it doesn’t mean it is easy or that you should “give up” on the relationship. Tending to the relationship in small ways during these seasons will ensure that there is a relationship to enjoy once the clouds part and the sun begins to shine on the relationship again.
2) How is your past impacting your present? What is being triggered for you?
We all enter relationships with “baggage” that comes from our childhoods and our life before our partner. In addition, long-term relationships build their own baggage over time that we carry with us. If you and your partner are arguing more than usual or you are feeling that you are disconnected, unmotivated or resentful more than you have been in the past, it is worth asking yourself “what is being triggered for me?”. Our most intimate adult relationships are built on the attachment relationships of our childhoods and you may find that old patterns are playing out or old wounds are being opened. If you have experienced trauma in your past, your relationship may be a place where old memories or emotional pain gets triggered. If you feel that your past is impacting your relationship in a damaging way, it may be a good idea to consider individual therapy for yourself. The process of understanding your emotional wounds and seeing clearly how they are playing out in the present day can be a great benefit to how you show up in your relationship.
3) Are you communicating with your partner?
As a couples therapist, I find that “working on our communication” is one of the most often stated reasons for seeking therapy. When life becomes stressful and relationships become strained, daily communication with our partners tends to be one of the first things to go. And when we have trouble communicating about what’s for dinner or who is going to take out the garbage, we most definitely have trouble communicating about our deepest needs and they ways they aren’t being met in the relationship. If this describes your dynamic, the place to start is the communicating about the dinner and garbage, not the communicating about your deepest needs (this will come later)! John Gottman has developed a way of creating meaningful communication about these day-to-day activities and he calls them “Love Maps” . Work hard on creating peaceful, sustained and meaningful communication about day to day issues before throwing your hands up in defeat because you can’t seem to communicate about the flailing state of the relationship as a whole.
4) What else is happening in your life? Are there areas where you could take more control of your unhappiness?
There is so much we can’t control in this world and when we feel helpless, we can often feel anxious and depressed. If you have been thinking about divorce, it is worth asking yourself what else is causing you unhappiness and unfulfillment in your life? And are there any ways you can exert more control in order to improve these situations? For example, can you talk to your boss about an unhappy work place (or find another job). Can you look for additional social outlets if you have been feeling isolated? Can you talk with family members who have been disrespecting your boundaries? And of course, when you are feeling angry, resentful or unfulfilled with your partner, you must bring this to their attention so you can work towards improvement. But very often, the struggles in the relationship aren’t the only struggles that need your attention.
5) Are you truly unhappy, have been for a long time, and are unable to find common ground with your partner?
The reality is that some relationships are just not salvageable. Where conflict is high and sustained, there is a lack of emotional (or physical) safety, there is total disengagement, and these things have been present for a very long time, it may make sense to consider divorce. Your experiences and feelings are valid and do not need to be diminished because of a commitment to your partner. Getting this close to divorce is incredibly scary and that fear is heightened when you feel alone. Seek out support for yourself. If you have friends who are able to hold space for you, take them up on that offer for a coffee date. If you think that talking to a therapist can help (which it usually can), take the next step to making an appointment. There is always hope, even if the relationship needs to end in order for you to find happiness and fulfilment again.
Looking for some support?
We’re here to help. We offer individual and couples therapy for people who are looking for support as they navigate relationship difficulties. We make it really easy to be connected to a therapist. Simply book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.