Learning how to process emotions (difficult but worth it!)
By Lindsay Ryan, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
If you grew up in a family anything like mine, feelings were ignored or stuffed down in an attempt to seem stoic and strong.
I took pride in holding back tears or fleeing uncomfortable emotions. Feelings got in the way of work. Emotions made communication more difficult and deflated your argument. Even comfortable emotions were discouraged. Too much pride seemed boastful, too much happiness seemed eager. So my natural emotional range tried to fit into a much smaller space. This was already problematic given a typical day, but even more so when it came to facing major life events, deaths in the family, life transitions, or break-ups.
What do we do with those feelings that are so much bigger than normal or seem so much louder when we don’t even know what to do with emotions on a daily basis?
What I did was I resorted to what was familiar - stuff them down, attempt to be stoic and strong. But what that did was create a heaviness in me that I carried around. The heaviness was like a traffic jam of emotions that just kept piling up. Every new stressor or loss got lost in the traffic and nothing was processed or worked through. It started to affect my behaviour. It was harder for me to do daily activities, it was harder for me to maintain relationships. I would lash out, or give up on things and overall I had a low mood and low self-esteem.
Learning how to process emotions can feel a lot like clearing out that traffic jam. Think about what a traffic jam looks and feels like. If you are on the highway and there is an accident that causes some traffic, it’s likely that all the vehicles are going to slow down and have to merge into fewer lanes. There may be moments of frustration as vehicles sit, or move inch by inch. Eventually, you start to make headway and start to see the vehicles up ahead clearing, then it’s your turn and in a moment you’re driving at full speed and the cars are evenly spaced among all lanes. If you live in the GTA, this is probably a familiar phenomenon. Processing stored up grief and learning how to face your feelings can be a lot like getting through a traffic jam. At first, it is not fun. You may even experience a little more discomfort. But then, the lanes clear and you can go at full speed again.
Learning how to process my grief also taught me how to do it again in the future.
Learning how to allow uncomfortable feelings to exist without any need to “do” anything about them or try to get away from them was difficult at first because it went against everything I had been taught in my childhood and life till then. It is still something that I need to practise when life events happen and bigger emotions arise. Learning how to face uncomfortable emotions has made it so that I am less fearful of the traffic jams. Even if things pile up again, I know that there are clear roads ahead. Because I have let go of the heaviness it also means that my behaviours have shifted. Doing daily activities has started to become easier and I have stronger and more clear communication in my relationships. My ideas about my self-worth have started to shift as well. Nothing happens in an instant and having strong mental health is just like any other type of health - it’s a practice. Just like how we have to eat healthy food and move our bodies to stay physically healthy, how we face our emotions on a daily basis builds resilience and strong mental health.
Looking for some support?
If you are struggling with unprocessed emotions or need a place to bring your grief where it will be welcomed, therapy can help. Working with a therapist is an amazing way to clear your emotional traffic jam and get your emotions moving again! Simply book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it. To learn more about Emotion-Focused Therapy, click here.