New Year, Same Expectations. What if you are great, just the way you are?
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
“Don’t go changing to try to please me … I love you just the way you are.”
Do the lyrics from this Billy Joel song ring a bell? The message is about loving someone as they are in this moment, imperfections included. But what if the “you” in the song was actually you? What if you loved yourself just the way you are in this moment, imperfections included?
As we embark on a new year, we are surrounded by messages urging us to improve and strive to make ourselves “better” than ever. The idea of transforming into a newer, shinier version of ourselves is so ubiquitous, many of us do not even question the need to do so. But when we pause to think about this, the message to ourselves is that we are not good enough as we are. In order to succeed or reach our potential as human beings we need to change ourselves and then we will be worthy to others and worthy of our own love and acceptance too.
But what if that love and acceptance could be present now, without changing a thing about ourselves?
The idea of radical self-acceptance offers this option and perspective. Therapist and author Tara Brach talks about how many of us were raised to be a certain way “to work harder, to win, to succeed, to make a difference, and not to be too demanding, shy or loud.” Because of this, many of us got the message that “your natural way of being is not okay; to be acceptable you must be different from the way you are”.
In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”, author Brené Brown says that when we don’t think we are enough we go through life trying to please others and be who we think we are supposed to be. She reminds us that “worthiness does not have prerequisites”.
Loving and accepting ourselves as we are is challenging for many of us.
Often, we are more comfortable criticizing ourselves and telling ourselves what a bad job we have done rather than appreciating ourselves for our unique qualities and accomplishments. To begin the process of accepting ourselves, we must first understand that self-acceptance means accepting that we have virtues and flaws and both of these together are what make us human. It is our natural instinct to look for threats in situations we encounter, and to judge others, often turning this judgement inward to ourselves, which only causes heartache and disconnection from ourselves.
The antidote to judgement and disconnection is self-acceptance. When we focus on accepting ourselves just as we are, the need to judge and criticize ourselves and others falls away and self-acceptance and self-compassion take up that space instead.
But how do we do this?
The answer is to start small and practice. Try starting first with awareness - what are the messages you are telling yourself about yourself when you do or say something you feel badly about? Keep track of your inner dialogue in a journal or on a note on your phone. Once you begin to see how you are talking to yourself you will have the option to challenge your self-talk. By doing this you give yourself the ability to change your inner dialogue and counter some of the negative thoughts you may be automatically thinking without even realizing it.
You can also try using the RAIN technique:
R - Recognize what is happening
A - Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
I - Investigate with interest and care
N- Nurture with self-compassion.
The idea is not to stop ourselves from wanting to grow and evolve as humans, to want more and different things for ourselves over our lifetime. But the home-base from which this happens is the shift.
Instead of wanting to change things in our lives and about ourselves to feel more worthy and acceptable to ourselves and others, allowing ourselves to accept ourselves as we are, right in this moment, offers us a foundation of love and acceptance from which to evolve. We don’t have to DO anything to be worthy of our own or others’ love and acceptance.
We are worthy and beautiful humans just as we are, in this moment, full stop.
Now breathe those words in deeply and may 2024 bring us all contentment and peace.
Looking for some support?
If you are looking for a therapist to provide some support through your journey of self-acceptance or practicing any of the skills you’ve read about here, please get in touch.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.