Let's Get Real About Money: The Impact of Money On Your Relationship
Recently, Registered Psychotherapist and founder of everwell Counselling Carly Fleming, was interviewed by The Toronto Star for a feature In ‘The Kit’, (a lifestyle news source for Canadians) about finances and the impact it can have on relationships. Specifically, the interview centred on the types of issues and possible solutions a couples counsellor can offer for those struggling with ongoing arguments about money. Here’s what Carly had to say…
In your practice, how common is it for couples to come and say they argue incessantly about money?
As a couples therapist, I can tell you that arguments about money are very common. Money tends to be a topic that couples argue about on repeat. These arguments don’t typically resolve themselves until couples discover fresh perspectives or new relationship skills in order to unpack these complex issues. This is where an experienced therapist can help. It’s our role to reflect the issues in a new light so that our clients can work through their differences productively.
Are arguments about money actually arguments about something else?
“This is a tricky question. I have helped many couples through relationship challenges that have centred around money. But no two situations are ever alike.”
It’s the unaddressed issues that lurk beneath the surface that tend to bubble up in these heated discussions about money. For example, one partner may see money symbolizing security and safety while the other just doesn’t share that perspective. Imagine what it’s like for that person when confronted with money challenges in the relationship. The fear of losing security comes to life in the most primal of ways and can often trigger that fight or flight response. My approach has always been to work with the couples to uncover those hidden issues while they develop new methods of communication. Seeing a couple learn how to talk about money from a shared perspective and with full awareness of their potential pitfalls is really rewarding as a counsellor. And I can assure the couples out there, with the right kind of therapist, they too can achieve this goal in their relationship.
I've heard that financial discord is actually a leading cause for divorce. Is this actually true?
It's hard to ever truly know what the cause of divorce is as relationships are so complex and nuanced. In the research that informs my practice, I find that money is often listed as a major factor in divorce. But we know that financial discord is reflective of more foundational problems in the relationship. If empathy, respect and compassion are missing, it becomes almost impossible to communicate and resolve big problems and this is the reason for the relationship breakdown. My focus as a couples counsellor is to help my clients learn how to bring empathy and compassion into their communication so that they are equipped to address any topic that needs attention.
When a couple is just getting together, are there some healthy conversations / actions they can undertake to make sure money doesn't become an issue in their relationship?
Absolutely. You know, it’s funny -- no matter what the issue, we learn habits from our families. Money is no different. It’s not always easy to talk about money early in a relationship but it can be helpful to ask your partner how money was dealt with in their family. Find out how money was approached and what “rules” about money they are carrying with them. Sometimes this alone can help them open up to a conversation about whether these habits are in fact aligned with their own values. And it may even help you co-create your own norms as a couple.
“Once a couple has realized they need to establish their own healthy relationship with money, they can consider working with a relationship professional so they can create positive change before small issues turn into big ones.”
How do you deal with different spending styles in a relationship? What if one partner likes to save and the other likes to splurge?
It sounds cliché but it is true that opposites attract. Polarity makes relationships interesting in the first place. Instead of diving straight into money conversations, I often help couples start talking about their shared values, goals and dreams. Sometimes starting with made-up scenarios can help a couple hone in on their shared outcome. There are many different perspectives couples come from. Ask your partner “What would you do if you won the lottery? Where would you put your money?” Start the dialogue and see where it goes. And as always, try to understand your partner’s perspective as you share your own.
If you have historically argued about money - maybe how you should spend it, how much to save - how do you get out of that pattern?
When money has been a source of conflict for a long time, couples usually require a new way of looking at an old problem. This could come in the form of couples counselling so they can begin to uncover and deal with the “emotional baggage” that comes up. If couples want to try to have new conversations on their own that are different from the ones that have historically led to conflict, I suggest writing down some questions that they want to discuss as opposed to leaving it to chance.
“If you leave it to chance, it is very likely you will end up in the same arguments on repeat.”
What should you do if you find out your partner has a "money secret"? Maybe debt they didn't tell you about, for example? What if you're the one with the money secret?
Secrets are hard to manage in any relationship. If you are faced with something as tough as this, anger and hurt are legitimate emotions to experience. I tell my clients that it is important to allow room for addressing these feelings. But the real opportunity is to try and put those feelings aside long enough to understand your partner’s perspective. As I mentioned before, empathy, respect and compassion are keys to a healthy relationship. And in a lot of cases a great therapist can help a couple discover these keys for themselves.
Some couples keep their finances very separate, bar a joint account for household expenses. Is this healthy? Could it have cons?
“There is no ‘right way’ to deal with money in a relationship.”
If keeping finances separate works for a couple, there is no reason to change it. But it is always wise to be reflective and self-aware about these things to make sure that the systems you have in place are working well. If keeping finances separate means that couples aren’t communicating about money, the problem is the communication, not the separate bank accounts. Self-awareness and communication are key!
Are there any signs that you may need to seek a professional to help you with this as a couple?
If you are having the same arguments about money and despite your best efforts, can’t seem to make progress, it’s a good idea to seek counselling. This goes for any topic (kids, jobs, sex, household tasks or anything else). On the flip side, if you are avoiding talking about money because it will lead to emotional pain or conflict, it would be a good idea to seek counselling. Finances are so important to optimal functioning in a relationship that they just can’t be ignored.
So, now that you know more about the impact money can have on your relationship, how are you and your partner communicating? Maybe it’s time to talk about it.
How we can help
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
Our experienced couples counsellors are here to help you navigate major life challenges and develop new patterns of interaction - teaching you skills that are vital to restoring and maintaining a healthier relationship. If you would like to know more about whether couples therapy at everwell is right for you and your partner, book a free 30 minute consultation and we can talk about it.