Let's Get Real About Kids: The Impact of Kids On Your Relationship

By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist

More than a few parents joke that they fall third or forth in their partner’s priorities, after the kids and the dog. But for many partners, it’s not really a joke. Many assume that’s the way it should be - being a good parent means putting the kids’ needs first because that’s what it takes. But, we’re here to tell you there’s strong evidence that proves otherwise.

Have the kids taken over your relationship?

Remember what it was like before you had kids? Was it romantic? Was it exciting? Were you happy? Of course you were! It’s probably why you decided to have kids in the first place. How about now? Are things less romantic? More stressful? Are you happier? Probably not… you had kids!

Many people won’t admit this (even to themselves) but it’s so common to believe that adding children to your life will bring you closer together as a couple. This may happen in some ways, but research* shows (over and over again) that having children reduces happiness and is a contributing factor to relationship trouble and breakups including divorce.

*Source: Elizabeth Scott, MS, 2019

 

Then why do we have kids?

“Even though having children is difficult, they are a powerful source of life satisfaction, self-esteem and meaning. We value our children and find being a parent meaningful even if it detracts from our happiness in the moment.”

*Source: Hansen, T., Slagsvold, B., Moum, T., 2009

The truth is, parenting is hard.

It creates a significant amount of stress in your relationship, particularly when kids are young. Children create stress for parents as individuals, especially mothers who take on the lion’s share of childcare in most relationships. In turn, stress is added to the relationship and satisfaction and happiness decreases. There are many contributing factors that go into this ‘dip’ in satisfaction and they aren’t the same for everyone.

But, there are certain stressors most parents have in common*:

  • time demands

  • energy demands

  • sleep deprivation

  • work-life balance disturbances

  • financial burden

  • partner roles and responsibilities

  • different expectations

  • mental or physical health issues (child or partner)

*Source: Elizabeth Scott, MS

“ Your [partner] should not be second to your parents, friends, coworkers, or even to your children.”

-Dr. Doug Weiss

You don’t need to wait until your kids leave home to get back that lovin’ feeling in your relationship.

There are many things you can, and should do to safeguard your own happiness and your connection to your partner*:

  • check in with each other and ask how things are going

  • ask each other what you need

  • devote some time during the week to nourish romance

  • schedule regular date nights and romantic getaways

  • express regular appreciation and gratitude for your partner

  • back each other up when it comes to disciplining the kids

  • set healthy boundaries and expectations

  • get aligned and be on the same page

  • don’t be afraid to show affection or resolve conflict in front of the kids

*Source: Linda and Charlie Bloom, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last

That you shouldn’t ruin your relationship for the sake of your children sounds like a no-brainer but…

It’s unlikely anyone sets out to do so. But it happens a lot regardless. Many couples have trouble putting this theory into practice. Or, they think they need to focus solely on the kids while they’re small and will be able tend to their relationship later ‘when the kids are older’ and more independent. A shift that frequently comes too late to save the relationship.

So, now that you know more about the impact kids can have on your relationship, how you and your partner really doing? Maybe it’s time to talk about it.

How we can help

Every relationship has its ups and downs.

Our experienced couples counsellors are here to help you navigate major life challenges and develop new patterns of interaction - teaching you skills that are vital to restoring and maintaining a healthier relationship. If you would like to know more about whether couples therapy at everwell is right for you and your partner, book a free 30 minute consultation and we can talk about it.

VIRTUAL THERAPY, COUPLES COUNSELLINGCarly Flemingeverwell Integrated Health ProfessionalsCounselling, Psychotherapy, Online Counselling, Mental Health, Couples Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationships, Conflict Resolution, Children