Why is it So Hard to Just Say 'No'?
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
Why is it so hard to say ‘no’?
If you’ve been reflecting on ways that you can use boundaries to improve your relationship to yourself and others, you’ve likely bumped up against the realization that in order to set boundaries, you need to be able to say ‘no’. Uggh. Saying ‘no’ is hard for so many people. Let’s dive into why…
For many, the answer is simple. People pleasing.
As mammals we are a social species. We have evolved to rely on being “accepted” in our social groups as a way to survive. Think back to the stone age. If you weren’t accepted by your social group, you would be left alone to hunt and care for your offspring. Likely without the help of others, you and your offspring would die. Sounds pretty terrible! And most definitely a reason to panic! In the stone age, rejection from a social group could literally mean death. Given this, it makes sense that human beings developed the essential skill of people pleasing. It may even be fair to say that people pleasing is part of our DNA. But we all know that we no longer live in the stone age and our social world has evolved to be much more complex than it once was.
You may feel that you’ve never been given permission to say ‘no’.
Of course, people pleasing isn’t only in our DNA. It is a behaviour that is socially and culturally rewarded throughout our lives. This social and cultural conditioning varies greatly based on factors such as gender, race, birth order, temperament, etc. But no matter who you are, people pleasing is highly rewarded in our culture. Whether you are currently dealing with relationships where people pleasing is expected or whether you carry these expectations within yourself regardless of external circumstances, people pleasing makes it so hard to say ‘no’.
Because our culture values people pleasing so highly, attempts to set boundaries with others and nurture our relationship with ourselves are often met with displeasure or rejection from people around us.
Over time, this can result is some firmly held internal beliefs about ourselves. We may believe that we don’t have the right to say ‘no’ to people we are close to. We may have tied people pleasing so tightly to our self-esteem that when we say ‘no’ we truly feel that we are a terrible person because of it.
What can I do about it?
‘Name it to tame it’ as Dan Siegel would say. Very often simply recognizing that the impulse to please is not required in the moment, but instead an instinctual or conditioned response can create enough space for you to look at it objectively. Once you’ve named it, some healthy self-soothing and reassurance that you are safe and it’s ok to set boundaries can help get you to a place where you can say ‘no’ in a way that feels healthy to you.
Looking for some support?
Challenging the habitual drive to people please is such important work but it can be overwhelming as well. If this is an area that feels important to you and you’d like someone to walk with you through the journey, our therapists at everwell are here to help.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.