Beyond the To-Do List: Reclaiming Your Sense of Self
Who Am I Outside of My Responsibilities?
When life is full of responsibilities, it's easy to lose sight of ourselves. Here's how to begin reconnecting with who you are beyond the roles you fill and the people who depend on you.
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist
There are so many things we work toward in life. We build careers, cultivate long-term relationships, raise children, care for pets, manage households, own homes, and take on the responsibilities that come with maintaining them. We care for aging parents, nurture friendships, participate in our communities, and try to be good partners, parents, colleagues, and citizens.
Much of this is meaningful. These are often the things we have worked hard to build and the relationships we deeply value. But when we're shouldering so many responsibilities, it's easy to lose sight of ourselves in the process. Our days become consumed with doing things for other people, anticipating their needs and making sure everything gets done (even when it feels like it never will or can). We can become so focused on keeping all the pieces of our lives together that we forget to check in with ourselves.
At the height of these responsibilities, we're often doing everything at once. We're building careers while raising children, managing households, maintaining relationships, and perhaps caring for aging parents. The mental load can be enormous. There is always something to remember, organize, plan, or take care of.
I often hear from clients who are struggling under the weight of these responsibilities and the amount of mental and domestic labour they carry. I also hear from people who have finally begun to come up for air and are finding themselves unsure of what comes next. Perhaps they've experienced a layoff and are considering a second career. Their children have left home for university, or caregiving responsibilities have eased. They suddenly have more time in their day than they're accustomed to, but they're not quite sure what to do with it.
If you recognize yourself in any of these experiences, you're not alone.
Sometimes, when the responsibilities that have occupied so much of our time begin to change, we can find ourselves asking a surprisingly difficult question: Who am I outside of all these roles?
When our responsibilities become our identity
Our roles can give us a tremendous sense of purpose, belonging, and identity. Being a parent, partner, professional, caregiver or the person everyone relies on can become an important part of how we understand ourselves.
Over time, we can become so accustomed to being needed that we may not even recognize how much of our identity is tied to these responsibilities. We know what needs to be done, who needs our attention, and where we're expected to be. We may become very good at anticipating what other people need, sometimes before they even ask.
But what happens when those roles begin to shift?
For parents whose children leave home for university, the transition can be particularly emotional. Even when we're proud of our children and excited for them to begin their own lives, the change can leave a significant space in our own. The routines, responsibilities and multiple interactions that once structured our days are suddenly different.
Similarly, someone who has spent decades building a career might experience an unexpected layoff or decide it's time for a change. A person who has devoted years to caring for an aging parent may find themselves grieving the loss of that role when their parent passes away or no longer needs the same level of support.
We might expect to feel relieved when some of our responsibilities ease. And sometimes we do. But we can also feel unsettled, uncertain or even a little lost.
This is because we're not simply adjusting to having more free time. We're adjusting to a change in how we see ourselves and where we find our sense of purpose and belonging.
It's important to recognize that we can miss a role even when we don't miss the exhaustion that came with it. We can be ready for change and still grieve what we're leaving behind.
Reconnecting with yourself begins with curiosity
If you've spent years prioritizing the needs of others, figuring out what you want for yourself can feel surprisingly difficult. You might know exactly what your family needs for the week, what your colleagues expect, or what needs to happen around the house, but struggle to answer a simple question about your own preferences.
This is why it can be helpful to approach rediscovering yourself with curiosity rather than pressure. You don't need to suddenly identify a new passion, find your purpose, or figure out what the next ten years of your life will look like.
Instead, start small.
Sometimes I encourage clients to begin by asking themselves very low-stakes questions. Something as simple as: What would I like for lunch today? Would I prefer a sandwich or a salad? Do I feel like going for a walk or staying home with a book? What would I enjoy watching tonight?
These might seem like insignificant decisions, but they offer an opportunity to practice something that can become unfamiliar when we're accustomed to prioritizing everyone else: checking in with ourselves.
For some people, even these seemingly simple questions can feel difficult or confronting. They may automatically consider what everyone else would prefer or find themselves genuinely unsure of what they want.
If this sounds familiar, try not to judge yourself. Not knowing what you want doesn't mean you don't have preferences. Sometimes it simply means you haven't had much practice asking yourself.
The goal isn't to make the perfect choice. It's to begin paying attention to your own needs, feelings, and preferences again. These small moments of self-awareness can help you become more comfortable making decisions that reflect what matters to you.
Questions to help you rediscover yourself
As you begin reconnecting with yourself, it can be helpful to spend some time reflecting on what matters to you. You don't need to answer these questions all at once. Try sitting with one at a time and noticing what comes up.
What parts of myself have I put on the back burner over the years?
What did I enjoy doing before life became so busy?
What am I curious about that I've never made time to explore?
What makes me feel energized, fulfilled or connected to myself?
Am I making choices based on what I genuinely want, or what I feel is expected of me?
What do I need more of in this season of my life?
If I could make one small change to bring more enjoyment into my everyday life, what would it be?
Your answers might surprise you. You may find yourself wanting to revisit old interests, explore something new or simply spend more time doing things that bring you pleasure. You might also discover that your interests and priorities have changed. Something that once brought you tremendous joy may no longer feel as meaningful, and that's okay. We are allowed to evolve and discover new things about ourselves at different stages of our lives.
Making room for the next chapter
Rediscovering yourself doesn't necessarily mean making big changes to your life. It can begin with small, intentional decisions. Perhaps you reconnect with an old friend, take a class, return to a hobby, or spend more time outdoors. These activities don't have to be productive, lead to a new career or serve a greater purpose. They can simply be things you enjoy.
It's also important to make room for the emotions that accompany change. When a significant role shifts, there may be feelings of grief, uncertainty, or even guilt. You might feel uncomfortable spending time on yourself when you're so accustomed to being available to others. You may need time to adjust to a different routine or a new sense of independence.
For those who have spent years caring for others, this adjustment can be particularly complicated. Making room for your own needs while caring for someone you love can be difficult, especially when you've become accustomed to putting yourself last.
Try to give yourself permission to experience these feelings without rushing to resolve them. You don't have to know exactly what comes next or have a plan for this new chapter. Sometimes it's enough to start noticing what feels meaningful and what you would like more of in your life.
If you find yourself struggling to navigate a significant life transition or feeling disconnected from your sense of identity, talking with a therapist can also provide a supportive space to explore these feelings. Therapy can help you understand the roles you've taken on, recognize patterns of putting your own needs aside, and begin reconnecting with what matters to you.
You are more than the roles you fill
The people we love and the responsibilities we carry will always be important parts of our lives. There is nothing wrong with finding meaning in being a parent, partner, caregiver, professional or friend. These roles can bring us tremendous joy and purpose.
But they don't have to define the entirety of who we are.
You are also a person with your own interests, preferences, feelings, needs, and aspirations. You are allowed to have dreams that have nothing to do with your responsibilities or the expectations of others.
And you don't have to wait until everyone else is taken care of to begin making room for yourself.
Sometimes finding your way back to yourself starts with something as simple as asking what you'd like for lunch. It's a small question, but it can be the beginning of a much bigger conversation with yourself.
If you are struggling to connect with yourself and figure out what is next for you, we are here to help! Reach out to us for a free consultation and you will be matched with a therapist who will support you along your path of self-connection and self-discovery.