What every people-pleasing new mom needs to hear
Thoughts on new motherhood from a therapist — and former people pleaser
In just over six weeks, my two older kids will be heading off to university — my oldest son leaving home for grad school, my daughter returning to her out-of-town campus — and my youngest will be starting Grade 12. Reaching this stage of motherhood has me reflecting on my own early days as a new mom.
There were beautiful moments, of course. There were also incredibly hard ones.
Both have stayed with me. They continue to shape not only who I am as a mother, but how I support new moms in my work as a psychotherapist. Every week, I sit with women navigating the enormous transition into new motherhood, and although some things have improved over the years, some of the biggest challenges remain exactly the same.
Here are a few things I know for sure.
During pregnancy, birth and once the baby arrive, your wellbeing is paramount.
Being pregnant or a new mom, you deserve to be the focus of your own and your loved ones’ care. It is important to truly acknowledge all that you and your body are doing during pregnancy, birth, and post-partum.
You are the one growing an entire human being. Just sit with that for a minute.
You are the one navigating morning sickness, exhaustion, changing hormones, food aversions, physical discomfort, and preparing to bring your baby into the world. You are the one monitoring everything you put in and on your body, to ensure you have the healthiest baby possible. You are the one giving birth, no matter how many people are in the room helping — whether through a vaginal birth or a caesarean section.
After your baby is born, your body begins the work of healing while you are simultaneously learning how to care for this tiny new person.
During pregnancy and then postpartum, your wellbeing should be a top priority. The people who love you should be taking your lead, asking you what you need, helping carry the load, and actively supporting your recovery — not expecting you to care for everyone else.
You deserve and require support, compassion, and rest.
It can take time to love motherhood.
One of the biggest surprises of new motherhood is that bonding doesn't always happen instantly.
You may fall in love with your baby immediately.
You may not.
Both experiences are normal.
The relationship between you and your baby grows over time, just as every meaningful relationship does. At the same time, you and your partner (if you are with one) are learning how to become a new family together. That transition can feel joyful, exhausting, overwhelming, and disorienting — all within the same afternoon.
There is no perfect way to feed your baby.
Whether you breastfeed, pump, combination feed or use formula, you are caring for, nurturing and loving your baby.
How you feed your child is not a measure of your worth as a mother, your love for your baby or your ability to parent well.
Fed, loved and cared for is truly what matters.
You do not have to love every minute.
Many new moms hear messages like:
"Enjoy every second."
"You'll miss this one day."
"They won't stay little forever."
While often well intentioned, these messages can leave mothers feeling guilty for struggling through sleep deprivation, loneliness, identity changes or the relentless demands of caring for a newborn.
You can love your baby deeply while not loving every moment of new motherhood.
Both things can be true.
Becoming parents changes relationships.
When my first baby was six months old, I saw my family doctor for a routine appointment. I shared how difficult I was finding the transition into motherhood, how disconnected I felt from my partner, and how challenging some extended family dynamics had become.
She smiled supportively and said:
“Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into a marriage.”
I sighed with relief because I finally felt understood.
No one had prepared me for how dramatically relationships can shift after having a baby.
Today, I think one of the greatest gifts of social media is that mothers are beginning to talk about these realities. When women share not only the beautiful moments but also the messy, lonely and exhausting ones, other new moms realize they aren't failing.
They're simply human.
If you're a people pleaser, start here.
If you've spent much of your life making sure everyone else is comfortable, becoming a mother can feel especially overwhelming.
Suddenly, everyone has opinions.
How you feed your baby.
When your baby should sleep.
Who gets to visit.
How often they visit.
How you should parent.
If this is you, you don't have to become fiercely assertive overnight.
Instead, try asking yourself one simple question whenever someone offers advice or makes a request:
What do I need right now?
Not what will keep the peace.
Not what will make everyone else happy.
Not what will disappoint the fewest people.
Just ...
What do I need?
The more often you ask yourself that question, the easier it becomes to trust your own instincts as a mother.
Trust yourself.
As I became more confident as a mother and welcomed my other two children, I realized something that surprised me.
Looking back now, I don't remember whether I followed every parenting recommendation correctly.
I do remember the moment I stopped looking outside myself for every answer and started trusting the relationship I was building with myself and with my children.
Trusting myself — coming home to myself — was the most important transformation of my parenting years.
Everyone will have opinions.
Some will be helpful.
Many won't.
The opinions that matter most are yours and your partner’s, because no one knows your baby — or your family — the way you do.
Your mental health and wellness are crucial.
Many women experience emotional ups and downs during the transition into motherhood. But persistent sadness, anxiety, panic, intrusive thoughts, hopelessness or feeling disconnected from yourself or your baby are not things you simply have to “push through.”
Postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression are common, treatable conditions.
Reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness.
It is one of the strongest, most loving things you can do — for yourself and for your child.
You were never meant to do this alone.
If you’re a new mom who is feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious, or unlike yourself, please know that you are not alone.
Therapy helped me through some of my darkest moments as a new mother because it gave me somewhere to say the things I couldn’t say anywhere else. It was a lifeline.
It became a place where I could begin to heal, learn to set healthy boundaries, quiet my people-pleasing tendencies and slowly trust myself again.
If you’re a people pleaser entering motherhood, know this: you do not have to become perfectly assertive overnight. Boundaries are learned one conversation, one “not today,” one “we're staying home,” and one trusted decision at a time. In my early days of new motherhood when I was having trouble saying no, my sister helped me with a phrase I still use today: “Thanks, I’m fine for now.” Whenever I felt pressured to accept help or hand my baby over to someone when I was not ready to, this phrase was my go-to and it helped me so much.
New motherhood is like bootcamp for boundary-setting. It has a remarkable way of teaching us that caring for ourselves is one of the first ways we care for our children.
If you're struggling with postpartum mental health, adjusting to new motherhood, or finding it difficult to trust yourself during this life transition, therapy can help. Reach out for a free consultation and we’ll match you with a therapist who understands what you’re going through and can support you with compassion, practical tools and hope.