Re-building (or re-claiming) relationships after COVID
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed., RP
This month’s theme at everwell has been ‘fresh starts’. It is a pretty typical spring-time theme but this year, opportunities for fresh starts feel more important. And where better to start fresh than in our relationships? The pandemic gave us a forced break from many relationships and with this break came an opportunity for reflection. We want to help you grasp this opportunity and bring about change before it passes you by.
The relationships in need of a fresh start are likely the ones that got a bit rusty during the pandemic. That’s not to say that the more ‘active’ relationships don’t need work too, it’s just more likely you’ve been doing that work throughout this time. The relationships that got a bit rusty may be extended family that you didn’t see as often, friendships that took a back seat to managing daily stress, or even co-workers who you only saw on Zoom but now have to navigate IRL again.
First and foremost, in order for things to be different, we need to do things differently.
If all of your relationships were going well pre-COVID, you may not actually want anything to be different. Amazing! Now go enjoy those light-filled relationships! But for most of us, there were relationship issues pre-COVID that will just keep rearing their heads if we don’t take stock now, when the opportunity for a fresh start is in front of us.
As with any personal growth journey, this journey starts with self-awareness. Can you spend some time considering how you are different than before the pandemic? How have your needs changed (or maybe you’ve finally realized you have needs!)? What do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of? Simply picking up a journal to see your own voice reflected in the answers to these questions will be a fulfilling and healing step.
The next step will be to have some moments of reflection with yourself. How are your relationships serving you? Are there changes that could allow these relationships to serve you better? What holds you back from making the changes that would allow your relationships to shine more light on your life as opposed to taking away your shine and joy? This reflection may take a while – these are hard questions to wrestle with – especially for people pleasers. But don’t worry, at this stage you are simply having conversations with yourself and no one has to hear about the results of this reflection unless you invite them to.
After you’ve had a chance to reflect on how your relationships could better serve you, it’s time to consider taking action. This is the hardest part. And it most definitely does not mean ‘blowing up’ your relationships. It means finally valuing your needs enough to make them a part of the relationship you are working towards. Start small. Think about some small steps that would allow you to start the journey towards the relationship you want. Examples of small steps are:
Set boundaries via text
It is often better to reach out via text to set a small boundary before you get together as opposed to trying to navigate a boundary when you’re already in the situation. For example “I’m looking forward to seeing you on Friday night. I just wanted to let you know that I’ll have to leave around 10 so I can be prepared for the next day”.
Shake things up
There may be a routine that you follow with this person. Maybe you always get together for coffee or they always come to your place. Try suggesting something new to change up the dynamic. A walk by the lake is different than a coffee date. Meeting up at a restaurant can be far less complicated than hosting at your place. Try to avoid assumptions. You may initially assume that they won’t like your new suggestion but give them the benefit of the doubt – they may appreciate a change of scenery too.
Speak your mind
We often think that saying what we mean will lead to conflict. This is often not the case, especially when you are speaking mindfully. Next time you’re together, try to calmly share your opinion or feelings with the person, even if you know they may not agree with you. You can choose relatively non-threatening topics to start. For example, maybe your mother makes assumptions about the things you like. If she says “oh, you wouldn’t be interested in that, would you”, try letting her know that your tastes have changed and actually this is something that is quite interesting to you.
Once you’ve begun to set boundaries, shake things up, and speak your mind, it gets easier and easier. If you’ve taken small steps and experienced success, you can use that as confidence to take larger steps in the future. It’s easy for us to get trapped inside “all or nothing” thinking when it comes to relationships. We find ourselves saying “that’s just who they are” or “there’s no way I can tell them how I really feel”. These thoughts are based on real limitations to our relationships but they aren’t helpful in identifying where small changes are possible. If you can free yourself from this all or nothing thinking, you will be much more likely to experiment with small changes and experience the new realities of relationships where your needs are part of the equation.
Looking for some support?
If you’re struggling with your relationships and wondering whether therapy can help, then you’re already taking a step towards a vision of improved personal well being. Maybe now is the time, or a seed has been planted for the future. Either way, we’ll be here to support you when you’re ready - because you matter. Learn more about Couples Therapy here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.