It's not you, it's your social anxiety
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Does this situation sound familiar? You are invited to a party where you know some of the people and it’s not even going to be such a large group. Despite this party seeming like no big deal, you start feeling anxious as the date approaches, and panic starts to rise in your body at the thought of talking to people, even people you know, and making that dreaded small talk. You start to stress and ask yourself, “What will I say? What will they think of me? Will I look stupid? Will they laugh at me when I start talking?” You are feeling nervous, and uncomfortable at the idea of socialising and fearful of how others might react to you. If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing social anxiety.
Social anxiety became more familiar to many of us as the pandemic waned and we started to return to some of our previously-normal social activities and when we did, this sometimes felt scary and hard. Things like going out for dinner with a group of friends, going to concerts or parties with lots of people were so common for many of us pre-covid, but this all stopped during the pandemic. Being back to in-person events and work exacerbated feelings of stress and anxiety relating to social situations, when we had not been doing this for so long.
What is social anxiety?
Social anxiety is more than just feeling shy. It is “an intense and persistent fear of being watched and judged by others.” These feelings can come up when doing every-day activities such as going to a restaurant or going to the grocery store, speaking up in class or at a meeting, and involve the fear of being judged or being on display while being with others, by doing things like sharing your thoughts, answering a question or giving a presentation. When someone experiences social anxiety they may also fear being humiliated and rejected. They often will fear being embarrassed in front of others and have an inaccurate view of how they come across to others.
What are some symptoms of social anxiety?
When you are in a situation that triggers your social anxiety, your body will react with both physical and emotional symptoms.
Physical symptoms can include:
Blushing, sweating, a rapid heart rate
Dizziness, lightheadedness
Feeling as if your mind is going blank
Emotional symptoms can include:
Self-consciousness, fear and intense worry before a social event or interaction
Avoidance of the event altogether
Are you socially anxious or just introverted?
On the surface, social anxiety and introversion can look similar. Both show up as needing space from others. The main difference is that if you are socially anxious you are avoiding social situations based on feelings of fear, whereas if you are simply introverted, you are seeking time alone to reconnect with yourself and to recharge. This comes from a place of positivity and authenticity.
How can you manage your social anxiety?
So you’ve figured out that the stress and anxiety you feel doing some of your regular activities is actually social anxiety. It can feel like a relief to name it and this paves the way to understanding and managing it. But how do you actually manage such overwhelming feelings when they take over? Anxiety Canada has four tools to help you figure this out.
Tool #1: Observe your social anxiety
Take time to get to know yourself and what happens when your social anxiety feels triggered. Allow yourself simply to observe what is happening and jot this down on your phone or in a notebook to keep track. Make a chart with the date, situation and your anxiety symptoms.
Tool #2: Teach your body to relax
Practice calm breathing by taking slow, regular breaths to calm down your nervous system and muscle relaxation, by tensing and then relaxing different muscles in your body.
Tool #3: Practice realistic thinking
You may have thoughts such as “no one will like me”, or “everyone will laugh at me.” Realistic thinking allows you to challenge those thoughts with facts. You can learn more about this Cognitive Behavioural Therapy technique and practice it by clicking here.
Tool #4: Face your fears
While your social anxiety may make you want to avoid social situations or situations where you fear that people will be judging you, it is actually better for you and your management of this anxiety to face your fears in small ways and make the social connections that feel so daunting. You probably know the phrase, “be afraid and do it anyway,” well that pretty much sums this up. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and also make that chit chat with the coworker you pass in the hall or say hi to that old friend at the party. When you allow yourself to face those fears, those fears become less powerful over time and you build confidence that you can do it and get through it and be ok.
Do you wonder if you experience social anxiety? Take this Psychology Today quiz to see where you fall on the social anxiety continuum.
Looking for some support?
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