How to set goals for 2025
You can approach your goals with criticism or kindness — which will it be?
By Aviva Boxer, Registered Psychotherapist
I am not a sports fan, but when I think about goal setting (and it is so hard not to when we are still in the first month of the new year) I picture two very opposite camps — one is that old-style, snarly coach-type who in my mind’s eye is a mean guy in a baseball cap with a whistle around his neck, angry and yelling insults to push his team to succeed.
“Stop being so lazy!”
“Why are you so useless?”
“You are letting everyone down!”
“You are a loser.”
This coach sees his role as a motivator through humiliation and put-downs. If he is too soft on his players he fears they won’t push themselves to do and be their best and they won’t win, which is the ultimate goal and justification for all the negativity.
Ted Lasso-style coach
The second is more of a Ted Lasso-style coach. You know this guy — the soccer coach on the hit Apple TV+ series, who practises and models love, care and compassion for others, even in trying times, even when his team is losing. He is kind and understanding and encourages his players to do well by creating a positive environment where they can be themselves, feel supported and support each other. He says things like:
“Great job!”
“Nice try.”
“That’s ok, you will do better next time.”
“You tried your best. Believe in yourself.”
Here are a few key life lessons that he shares with his players:
Be curious, not judgmental
Do the right thing (because doing the right thing is never wrong)
Winning is fun, but if you find a family along the way, you can’t lose
If you care about someone, and you got a little love in your heart, there ain't nothing you can’t get through together — all you need is love.
The angry coach, inner critic that many of us have, only makes us feel bad about ourselves.
— Stock image
“Somehow we have absorbed the idea that being tough on ourselves, including putdowns and insults, is the best way to motivate ourselves to make change, evolve and grow.”
Putting ourselves down
The examples of the mean and the kind coaches also mirror the way so many of us conduct ourselves in our inner and outer worlds. Most of us are kind and supportive to the people we care about but we are sharp, critical and even mean to ourselves, often with an angry inner critic who is so ready to put us down and make us feel bad about ourselves. Loud and rude inner critics may be yelling at us in a misguided way to try to protect us from being hurt by others. If we yell at ourselves first, we won’t be as damaged if others do this to us second. But the result is that we just feel bad about ourselves and as anyone knows who has this type of inner critic (which is so many of us), this never truly motivates us over the long-term to do better or be better.
When it comes to goal setting for the new year, we often approach this task in much the same way. Somehow we have absorbed the idea that being tough on ourselves, including putdowns and insults, is the best way to motivate ourselves to make change, evolve and grow. We have internalized the idea that being nice or kind is letting ourselves off the hook and if we do that we won’t move forward in life. But here’s the thing, if your friend started yelling at you and insulting you and told you she was doing this for your own good, to inspire you to grow and change, how would that feel? I doubt you would still be good friends if this went on for too long. No wonder it feels bad when we do this to ourselves.
Trying to achieve goals from a self-critical place may motivate us in the moment but it won’t last. Self-criticism only increases stress and anxiety, can lower feelings of self worth, and can increase incidences of perfectionism. How can anyone measure up when the angry inner critic just keeps being angry? This puts us on a path of never being happy with ourselves no matter what we accomplish or how we change for the better.
Try self-compassion instead
How do we get off this treadmill? The antidote to self-criticism is self-compassion every time. Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge that we are not perfect and that it is ok to stumble and make mistakes as we try to move forward in our lives and improve ourselves. Self-compassion honours the process of improvement rather than rewarding us only when we reach our goal. You may want to learn to play guitar, workout three times a week, journal every day or finish that sewing project that’s been tucked in your drawer for forever — but berating yourself for not doing it sooner and pushing yourself to do it already won’t help you achieve your goals in a lasting and loving way. If you want to achieve your goals in 2025 try some self-compassion and watch yourself enjoy the experience as you grow and learn, in a supportive environment and then watch yourself succeed.
If you are looking for a place to unpack your thoughts and feelings and delve into that inner critic of yours, we are here to support you! Therapy is a caring and safe space for you to explore your inner world and make connections that can help unburden some of the heaviness and bring you more clarity about yourself. Reach out to us for a free consultation.